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Bob gets a visit from Ron Weasley, while Miles watches the Netflix serial killer catalog.
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uh Hey everyone, this is Miles with Static. That was an odd way to introduce yourself. You could be like on one of those Netflix serial killer shows. I do watch a lot of those. I’m sure you do. I don’t understand the appeal of that. My wife watches those things. And I’ll be busy doing something else and I’ll come by and I’ll be like, what are you watching? I’m with this guy in Ohio who killed a bunch of people for no reason and buried them. I’m like, what is this? What’s the entertainment value in that? Can you explain that to me? Between that and a Hallmark movie, I will watch the serial killer movie. I’m waiting for the Candace Cameron Burr Murders the Neighborhood Hallmark Christmas film and then I’ll be satiated. It’ll be fantastic. It’s like everything’s happening. Don’t talk to me about Kirk. I know he’s a weirdo. There’s so many of them. I mean, there’s just
oodles and oodles of these things on the streaming service. When did they make all these? Have they only been made in the last two years or something? It’s just crazy. No, it’s been going on. They’ve been making these. Have they? I just don’t watch them. It’s just weird. I find myself, if I sit down, I’ll be totally watching it and being like, what happened? Yeah. Some things I don’t watch. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that everybody pertains to everyone. Some things we don’t watch. Yes. I started watching this thing. My wife was watching this thing about people that have like left the Amish religion or something. And they have different segments. And I’m like, I don’t really, you know, I feel creepy watching this. I’m not watching this. I’m not watching this. This is too weird, man. That’s too weird. Why would you, what would,
Why would you feel creepy about watching that? Because the girl has John Elway teeth, these big chiclet teeth. It’s so distracting. I cannot watch this. I cannot watch this. I grew up Amish, and now I’m into porn. No, thank God. No one wants to see that. Nothing against Amish. I’m sure they’re very nice people. Yeah, they call me the Yoder Choder. Ha ha ha! Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t want to watch that. There’s some things I just don’t watch. That’s weird. Yeah, I don’t understand any of those shows. I get enthralled in them. I get enthralled when I sit down and start watching. I’ll be like, wow, what happened here? I sometimes, you know, I’m like, eh, you know. Shouldn’t there be a background check for anyone buying a large farm when they don’t farm? Right, yeah. It seemed like there was a timeline and it looked like it was very easy to kill people and get away with it.
You know, it was called the seventies. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, like this, like this lady’s brother goes missing and they’re like, oh, well, we don’t look for anyone over the age of six. She’s like, are you serious? Like, Hey, you’re, and this is in the thing, but she goes, well, yeah, the detective was like, well, he’s probably drunk with a horse somewhere. So, yeah. Oh yeah. We knew him. He was always whoring around. I’m like, who is this? Like Danny DeVito from It’s Always Sunny? I like whores and banging whores. I’m just like, God dang, there had to be some window of Gacy or something just getting away with all this crap. And then you’re like, God damn. I can see why now. They finally catch the killer and they’re like, why did you keep killing? Oh, nobody stopped by to talk to me. They didn’t ask. No one told them. Yeah, no one told me I could.
So I just kept doing it. Stop it. I just kept doing it. And like, you know, no one told me it was wrong. Now I know it’s wrong. It’s wrong. I know now. Well, it’s like one guy was out in like long Island or something. Like he was done with people like girls on a beach or something or whatever it was. And they had a description of what the car was. This guy was like this huge, like Shrek, like giant dude. And everyone knew this guy, but no one ever turned them in. They like, well, I never suspected it was Ronald. i never did. He always says hi. He always said yeah you know he’s got a, you know, lime green bronco and he’s nine foot tall and, you know, it’s a complete description. And like the neighbors, I had no idea. I mean, he was really weird, but i don’t know. That’s weird, man. That is weird. I, but i didn’t i never uh
Well, I say I don’t watch it, but then I will watch for a while and then I’ll be like, I got to go finish what I’m doing here. And then I get up and go at the end of the episode. No, I always wait for the end of the episode. But then I end up going off and doing something else. But yeah, and there’s all different ones. I mean, it’s just this barrage of murder. Or like there’s this guy out. somewhere, this was a long time ago, but he kidnaps this girl like twice, brainwashes her. She’s only like 12 or 14. They get married in Mexico. I’m like, Jesus. And he’s like blackmailing her family and they’re like letting him like, okay, well just don’t get too nuts now. Don’t go too crazy with this. You can get married in Mexico, but nothing more. No more than that. All right. Well, like, no, it’s weird was like the dude had actually had relationships
with the kids mom and dad separately what yes it was the most bizarre story because they were like in some religion, which i won’t go into, but. Okay. Yeah. Like he works on the mom. She finally gives him like, well, all right. Yes. I’ll do it with you. What the hell? Yeah. It’s supposed to be a power. Like, uh, you know, I screwed around with dad Yeah, right? He’s cruising around with the dad, and he’s like, man, man, it’s been a while. Now, I hate to… I go, man, this is weird. Since we’re on the topic, I have a slight confession to make. Oh, man, here we go. I don’t want to hear this. I didn’t know where she was going. No, no, no. You’ll want to hear it. As soon as I say it, you’ll be all interested. I have personally interacted with a victim who’s been on one of these shows. They did not die. A very famous victim in the last 15, 20 years. I believe I know who you’re talking about. I will not mention the person’s name, but yes.
No, I mean, I had conversations and, you know, yeah. And they seemed very nice. But the weird thing was, this is so sad, I shouldn’t even mention this, but they were a very nice person, but you can tell that they were still traumatized to this day from this experience. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. I don’t mean to laugh. No, I mean, it’s horrible. I know this person will do some horrible stuff. Yeah, really horrible stuff. And here I am talking to them and I’m like, you can just tell. You’re all Barbara Walters with this person. If you were a Tweety, what Tweety would you be? What kind of Tweety would you be? She’d be like, why am I talking to this
Yeah. This whole thing. And now I’m talking to a weirdo. Yeah. I’m like, I just escaped a guy like this. I now meet another one. It’s exactly the same thing, but without the facial hair. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I don’t have any of the facial hair going on. No, she was so nervous and like chain smoked like constantly. And, um, Yeah. I mean, like constantly smoking, like I gotta go, I gotta go get a smoke and then coming back. Yeah. It was, uh, you walk up behind her and yell boo. And she’s like, now, unfortunately this is not the only person. This is probably the most famous person that I’ve interacted with, but it’s not the only person I’ve interacted with. That’s, uh, had issues like that. So, yeah. Right. Right. That’s terrible. Yeah. Uh, yeah.
It was weird. It was weird. It had a total weird vibe all the way around. Yeah. How strange, right? But… Now I’m trying to think. I had a story coming my way. You know a story now that everyone’s tuning off at this point. I was so freaking depressed. Like, oh my God, these poor people. Are you talking about my wrestling coach? They’re molested and everything. And now I’m going to talk to Bob and Miles and social manner. It’s horrible. You don’t want to talk to us if you’ve got issues. Yeah, really. Keep it to yourself. I had to recently hail storms in the not too distant past. I recently had a guy come out because Like all my neighbors are getting a new roof. Oh, neighbor-itis. Neighbor-itis. So I called the guy to come take a look. And I’m like, hey, do you think we have any hail damage? Because, you know, all the neighbors are, I mean, literally, there’s like all these crews around us putting roofs on houses. And so he goes, yeah, you know, you got some. Christopher Walken came out.
yeah, you got some hail. And so I’m like, okay, so we, we call the insurance people and send out a guy to take a, because you know, the guy I call cannot be trusted because he’s just wanting to sell a roof. Right. So they call out their own guy. And so he shows up here the other day and, I was told about it. We were all prepared, kind of. And the next thing I know, I wake up. I’m supposed to wake up early so that I’m ready for this guy. Because for whatever reason, in my household, I am the face. I’m the one that has to talk to anybody who is coming here to do anything. I don’t know why this is… I don’t know who made the rule and how I got, you know, what meeting I missed and got stuck with short straw here. You are the lurch of the family. Yeah, that’s right. Any type of a workman or, you know, the mailman comes to the door, any of that kind of stuff. They’re like, Bob, you go, you know, you’re first in line to get shot or something. Yeah. Yeah. If you get murdered, we can run away. I watch all these murder shows and the door gets it first.
We’ll be in the documentary talking about you. That’s right. We’ll be, you know, in the blurred background. It was so, it was a sad day. He disappeared. He went to answer the door for this guy who was going to look at the roof. All we could find was his Crocs. All that was left was a really worn pair of sandals. So I go, I, everybody’s doing something, I guess I get, I’ve, I’ve, Wake up, and I’m like, I’ve totally forgotten about this. And I’m walking to go take a leak because I just woke up. And as I’m walking, I see out the window this truck pull up. And I’m like, oh, shit. It’s the roof guy. I’ve literally just rolled out of bed. And I got to pee really bad. So I go pee on him.
because I have to, there’s no stopping that at this point. Right. You’re old. Yeah. I’ve made it close enough to the bathroom where it’s like a tractor beam. It’s like, you got to go in there. You’re like 72. I mean, if you don’t go in there at this point, you’re just going to pee yourself. I know he’s going to be at the door like any second. So I run out to the door and then he’s not at the door. Right. He’s still sitting in his truck. So then I had to put shoes on, and I walk all the way out to his truck, and I think I scared him. I think he was playing on his phone or something because it was pretty early in the morning. It was before 8 o’clock. And all he had on was his shoes. He’s like, oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, I sleep in the buff. Yeah. All I got is my sandals on.
Now, I walk out, and I think I scared the guy. He goes, oh, hey, hey. You know, hey, buddy. Hey, you’re an inning. I didn’t want to ring your doorbell this early. I was going to wait a little bit, you know. I’m coming out. I’m a little early. You’re probably surfing porn on your phone. I’m like, you’re the roof guy, right? He’s like, yeah. I go, so what’s going on? They always ask you what’s going on. I’m like, didn’t we fill out paperwork? Anyway. I didn’t read it. I go, I have not been on the roof. I always have to preface it with what I don’t know. But I had a guy come check and there is probably some hail damage. And he goes, where at? And I told him everything. And then I proceeded. I go, the only thing I can really show you that I know for sure is I have some dents in my car. Literally, like somebody hit it with a golf ball or something.
And I showed him that and he’s like, Oh, okay. And like, he’s like, I don’t, you know, I’m not giving you an estimate on the car. I’m like, I’m not, I’m not asking you. I’m just showing you that this guy did the same day. Ah, there we go. Do cars. Yeah. Yeah. He was giving me, I think he, I wasn’t lying that I was doing wanting to claim the car. I was like trying to show him that this is, I can tell you that there was hail because, look, I have all these dents that are mystery dents on my car. And so then he goes, okay. He goes, well, I’ll probably be about half an hour. I’m going to get up on your roof and look around and take some pictures and everything. I said, fine, great. Whenever you’re done, just come ring the doorbell, you know, and we’ll talk. And so I wanted to be ready by the time he showed up, and obviously I didn’t.
make it. So I go inside, I see my wife and i go, he’s gonna be i go he’s gonna be at least 20 minutes i’m gonna run and take a shower and then i’ll come back and talk to him. Okay. So I get up, I go right out of the shower. You come out of the shower there he is on the ladder looking no That would have been even worse. But, yeah, no, he wasn’t. So then I get in the shower, and, you know, I’m doing my shower duties. And then I come out of the shower. Yeah, that’s what I call it, too. Yeah, my shower duties. Less than 15 minutes, I’m out of the shower. I come downstairs, and my wife’s all mad at me. She’s like, 20 minutes, huh? I’m like, what? Mm-hmm.
He’s still out there, right? I still see the truck. She’s like, two minutes after you left this room, he rang the doorbell because he needed something. I wasn’t interacting with the repair guy. You’re the door guy, man. I know. I’m the door guy. I put her in harm’s way because I wasn’t there. I could have been murdered. Yeah, I could have been abducted. And I’m like, I’m sorry. He told me a half an hour. I just figured I had a good 20 minutes, right? That’s a 10-minute buffer. And so then she’s like, well, you get that door when he’s done. Was she Ted Knight? Yeah. So I go, no problem. I’m all done. I’m ready to go here. So then he comes and
finally comes to the door and gives me the report, you know, the good and the bad and everything and and so forth. But I had a really hard time uh talking to him because he looked just like ron weasley from harry Potter. Oh, God. He was this young, red-haired kid, right? I mean, you know, he wasn’t a kid. I don’t want no ginger up on my roof, all right? It wasn’t He wasn’t a child. He was like if Ron was as old as he is today. And yeah, I’m talking to him and he’s telling me all this stuff and all I can think of is Ron Weasley when he gets the letter that yells at him. And I so badly wanted to say, does anybody tell you you look like Ron Weasley? But I didn’t. In a sexual way.
I got a goal. I got a goal. Yeah, really. So, but he was a really nice guy. And your name, sir? Hermione. Yeah. Okay. I got a goal now. I got a goal. I can see us together in the future. Yeah. Yeah. Other than, you know, I wasn’t there to be, you know, first victim for the family. let me throw my cloak. I’ll be Snape. Hold on. Yeah. But yeah, it was weird because he did have a look like Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter movies, which, you know, it’s just, I mean, you know, I so wanted to ask, I’m like, does anybody tell you, I’m sure they do because he really, you know, it’s like, are you, are you studying for a part or something where you’re going to be a roof inspector?
So it was weird. Are you talking about porn, sir? Is that what you’re talking about? Or what are you talking about? I’m sure on the other side, he’s thinking, when I met this guy this morning, he looked disheveled. And then now he’s got wet hair. He looks like that guy in that documentary my wife was watching about that reconciliation killer out in Ohio. Yeah, that’s what he looks like. guy’s stuffing people in his crawl space. Yeah, eating their ears and shit. So I’m sure on both sides of this whole uh situation we were both uh very confused of each other’s uh situations yeah yeah it sounds like it but anyway i i had uh i had ron weasley inspect my roof. I’ll be up there in a flash. Yeah. And then my, when he, after I come down out of the shower, my, my son was up and he’s like, is this guy going to be walking around the fucking roof all day long? Oh, wow. Yeah. His mother, his mother. Wow. Man, language. Wow. Yeah. Cause he was, he was walking up and back and forth on the roof and, but he’d only been there a little while. I mean, he probably, he just got up himself. So,
Yeah. You do not mess with the Lament family, okay? For anyone, luckily enough to get close to their house, I would not mess with them. Do not touch anything. Only speak when you’re spoken to. That’s right. There will be order. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. It was a banner morning here at the Lament household. Man. Wow, that’s weird. Anything with you? You got anything? Yeah, I do. I do. I got something, yeah. Let’s hear it. How about that? How about that? Thank you, Bob, for the introduction. Hi, Bob. Good evening, ladies and germs. This is the undead comic, Bob Dope. I’m auditioning for Bob Lament’s new solo podcast, Lament Tonight, or as I say, Lament Puts Me to Sleep at Night. Oh, good one. You’re doing some shtick. It’s the podcast with ED Issues. He only gets it up once a month. So far, he’s had two shows featuring two comics. The first was Suresh. He did a bit where people like to mispronounce his name. I didn’t know there was another way to say average. The second comedian was Pablo Lewin.
He bombed so hard that I thought he’d been thrown out of a B-52. Speaking of the B-52s, Bob loves 80s music. He can’t tell the difference between East End Boys and West End Girls. Bob likes to ask a thought-provoking question in the middle of his show. The next question should be, when does this podcast get funny? Okay. That’s all I had. Oh, that’s all you got? That was pretty good. Yeah, I know. I just When are you going to come on the show? I’ve got to get more than half of a sheet of paper with jokes. We like to have about three to five minutes. I’ve got about 30 seconds there. Just like your love life. Yeah, 30 seconds. No, I don’t know why. 30 seconds to Mars. There you go.
No, I was driving to work. I was just doing that stupid Bob Hope boy thing. I can’t do Bob Hope. But I don’t know. It was stupid. It was stupid. It didn’t work. Well, hey, thanks for the plug. The next Lament Tonight, I think, is on July 17th. Yeah, once a month. If you’d like to tune in. And I would love to have you on, Miles, but you’re always busy whenever I ask you for these other Other projects you may have going on, you’re always like, I’m like, hey, you want to join me? No. No. No. You’re like, no, I’m busy. No, someday I will. I haven’t actually listened to the Pablos one. No, Siraj actually was very funny. No, he was very funny. He did a Trump impersonation. Yeah, no, he’s a funny guy. I give it to him. He could get up and do some stand-up and stuff. He does? I think.
No, I guess he does. Well, there’s an open invitation. All right. If I get more than about two paragraphs, you know, written down, then I will do this. This is just, you know. Yeah. I didn’t really practice it, you know, but it’s not easy. Delivery was good. You’re good. Yeah. No, it’s all original jokes. I mean, I just wrote it myself. Yeah. Original like Bob Hope. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, you know. I steal jokes a lot, but I didn’t steal any of these. I just kept going. I just kept going with it. You had a rhythm. I had a little rhythm. I was hoping it would go longer, but that’s okay. It’s about taking chances. That’s what all your girlfriends do. Yeah, they’re like, well, I’ll take a chance on Miles, but I don’t know. Good thing he’s got tight underwear. Miles, don’t worry about the condom because you won’t need it.
No, I don’t mean that. I mean, absolutely nothing’s going to happen. I’m like, oh, okay. Yeah, that’s why they called you premature. Yeah. That was your high school nickname. Hey, premature. What are you talking about? Premature, that was college. That was last night. That was last night, matter of fact. Goodness gracious. Goodness, yes. I only have two children by accident. Nice. Somebody sat in the wrong spot. That’s terrible. You’ve lightened the mood from serial killers and traumatized victims to Harry Potter characters doing roof inspections to Miles Title doing 30 seconds of stand-up. That could be a thing for you. 30 seconds with Miles. There you go. Someone has invited me up on stage, but I’m like, I don’t know. Yeah, you should do it. I just don’t want to use stolen stuff, though. It’s so easy. No one will know where I’m stealing this from. It doesn’t matter. Come on. I know. I won’t be like Carlos Mencina or whatever his name is. Mencina. You stole my stuff. I mean, if it’s direct, it’s not plagiarism if you paraphrase. So there you go. Okay. When you’re writing a theme song,
Uh, paper. If you paraphrase, you’re all good. It’s whenever you do it verbatim, that’s the problem. Yeah. Yeah. I see. Yeah. So this was all paraphrased. So you’re all good. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, I, if i can get more rules, English rules, that’s what happens i’ll have to ask pablo about this. He knows about writing jokes and stuff. Well, he’s yeah. You can send him a note. I’m sure he’ll be happy to talk to you. Maybe. Yeah. No, he likes me. He was, uh, did a roast battle with the Tim man at the comedy store in Los Angeles recently. Yeah. And he won, I think, or something. And he, yeah, he won by the three hairs across the top of his head. Yeah. Yeah. No, he’s funny. He’s funny. I like him. Oh, good. I did go up against him once I lost actually. Yeah. But I mean, you got to try more than once. That’s the, but, uh, well, that’s,
Yeah, my whole dating life. You’ve got to try more than once now. You can’t just, you know. Okay, you need to take everything in your life, everything that you think about doing, rather than applying it to women, apply it to masturbation, and you will be a success. Okay, okay. You’ve never given up on that. No, you’re right. I can’t beat it. Well, you can, and you do. Yeah, but I’m saying you can’t. Why you’re successful. Think about your self-love practices and then apply that to your problems. My life was so horrible growing up. I mean, I should have tons of material. I mean, I should have like tons of material. Yeah. You run around naked. Yeah. Well, there was that. There was that. All right. Well, watch for Miles Hope.
Yeah. On Lament Tonight. And Lament Tonight, Bob’s new solo podcast. It’s already aired twice now. He’s going to have a July show coming up. A July one coming up, yeah. And I’m sure it’ll be… I’m just a creative person. No, that’s good. No, that’s good. I had an idea and I’m applying that idea. So there you go. Why not? Go with it, you know. There you go. Go with it. Go with it. Mmm.