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Miles gets heckled at the local big box store, while Bob witnesses an animal miracle.
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Hey everybody, this is Miles. It was like kind of a non-tune there. Hey everybody, this is Miles. There’s something weird about it. It’s a little weird. A little odd. So what was the cat eating tonight? What was your cat having? I’m actually still feeding cats. Oh, okay. Well, what is it? Little, I don’t know, food, no. Little friskies. Whatever it is, I don’t know. Meaty patay. Wasn’t that your name in college? Meaty patay? Meaty patay, yes. Now it’s just called fat liver disease. Yes, you’re kind of a… Meaty patay. All that. I got to bring my wife, her marital aid here. Okay. Here’s your egg on a string. Way on down south. Are the cats okay? Everybody’s doing good? I got cats done. I still have to do dogs. That’s okay. We can still go. We can go. That’s okay. God forbid I get in the way of your household chores that you wait until the middle of the night to do. A lot of people write in and say, hey, Miles, could you just bring us into your day? You sound like a really cool guy.
We love to hear about you feeding animals. If I could talk to the animals. Unfortunately, we do call you Doolittle, but not because of you feeding the animals. Because I like to read. That’s why. Your nickname there has something to do with something. Something from something. Don’t worry. Go ahead. Well, speaking of animals, I’m going to be ridiculed for even mentioning this. I’ll tell my story and then I’ll tell you why I’m being ridiculed. How’s that? I had to go in the office the other day and I always get this choice parking spot near the dumpster. Now he’s gone. So I guess I’ll just continue because he’s just gone. He hit a button with his, I think his nipple was erect. Perhaps Miles’ nipple was erect and he pushed the button and jumped off the show. So that’s what happens whenever, you know, it’s 100 degrees outside and you’ve got your air conditioner cranked.
And then you get hard nipples and you’re a little sweaty and you end up turning off your phone or at least closing the window that you had. So there you go. Oh, there he is. He’s back now. Did you wipe off your sweaty nipples? Yeah. Yes, I’m okay now. I told everybody you bent over. with your sweaty erect nipple and jumped out of the show. Are you okay now? Yeah, I’m just doing some duties here. Oh, now you’re doing more stuff. Oh my God. What the? No, I’m not done. I disconnected actually trying to feed these fucking dogs. So I was saying, I got this choice parking spot by the dumpster. You know, I come pulling in like Dan Tana in Vegas, you know, and slide into my choice spot by the dumpster. Nobody’s going to know this reference at all. I know. That’s why I made it. Yeah. As I’m kind of gathering my things to get out of the car, I look up and, you know, the dumpster’s got those plastic flaps that don’t really cover anything.
most of the opening but not all of it so in the middle you can kind of see into the dumpster and i look and there’s two squirrels like playing with the dumpster yeah right they’re like running around on top of the garbage playing around inside the dumpster and this one squirrel comes through the little opening pops out. Yeah. He’s got a whole tortilla in his hand. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know why there’s a tortilla in the dumpster. That’s weird. Let alone one that’s actually whole. It’s like a whole tortilla that’s never been eaten. And, I mean, this guy, he’s like, jackpot! I mean, you can just read it on his face. Yeah. Yeah. And then the other squirrel is still squirreling around inside the dumpster, I guess looking for another tortilla is my guess. And he comes and he jumps down off the dumpster and kind of heads off into the mild wilderness that we have there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, and so then I get home and I’m like, you won’t believe what I saw today. Yeah.
In search of. This is Leonard Nimoy. That’s right. That’s right. The St. Louis squirrel. Says it exists. That’s right. Dumpster diving in the city. And so then I tell my wife and my son, I’m like, I saw this squirrel jump out of the dumpster with a tortilla. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They’re waiting for the punchline, right? They’re like, okay. They’re like, okay. And my son goes, he’s like, dad, all of your stories for static have devolved into you watching animals do things. He goes, this is going to be your story, isn’t it? I go, well, yeah. How many times have you seen a squirrel with a whole tortilla shoot out of a dumpster? Yeah, I’ve been excited. You need to be around more people. Oh, Father. You used to talk about interesting things, and now you just talk about foxes and squirrels and
and deer you’re like the jack hannah of, uh, podcasting now. I swear. Yeah. Wild and crazy animals. St. Louis city where we see a squirrel with a tortilla all right all right no one moved no he’s moving he’s moving look i’m gonna try to get a shot of him. Put a picture. i was prepared enough i took a picture of the squirrel with a tortilla. He’s a beaut. That’s a good that’s the best hell that’s that’s like a fajita tortilla. So my son made me feel horrible that i’ve devolved into just talking about the animals so You know, this could be like a children’s book for you. Really, this could be a good stepping up for you. Oh, yeah, the squirrel and the tortilla. Exactly, yeah. Aquila and the tortilla. Yeah, what’s he going to, is he going to use it as an umbrella? Is he going to eat it? You know, is he going to stuff it full of nuts? Hey, fella, are you going to use that as an umbrella? I can see it now. Yeah, you’re going to be like a Dr. Seuss or something with this whole thing. Yeah.
Because, you know, they have, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie, if you give a mouse a muffin. Right. If you give a squirrel a tortilla. Mm-hmm. Well, I thought it was fascinating. And now I’ve been shamed into never telling another wild animal story. Shut your effing mouth. Now, little does my wife know, but I, you know, grew up. listening to… Animal Stories. Animal Stories with good old Uncle Larry. Oh, you had to. You had to listen to that. That was an awesome show. Awesome show. Tommy, out of St. Louis, we got a squirrel. Yeah. Is that okay? Apparently. He’s making an acorn burrito. A chimichanga. I heard Chipotle is hiring squirrels. He’s going to have a chorizo next week. So, yeah. So, but I was just like, it was the most besides just pull up, boom, you know, squirrel with tortilla right in front of me. And I’m like, Oh my God. I was, I went there early. So I was first one on the lot. So there you go.
I dreamt I saw a squirrel. That’s right. This tortilla was as big as a squirrel. This is what amazes me, right? This is not like some kind of giant squirrel or some kind of mini tortilla, you know what I mean? Right. How you could not enjoy this is beyond me. I don’t know. You know, sometimes the simplest stories are the best, you know? Yeah, I didn’t see what he did with it. I mean… Yeah. Maybe he didn’t share it with the other squirrel who was still searching for a tortilla behind him. He should have taken it home to his nest and made it into a bed or something. It’d be like a nice soft bed. A real nice blanket. Yeah, he’d be like… Imagine smelling tortilla all night. Yeah. It was the flour tortilla, I’m pretty sure. I was close enough. I went up and asked him, and he told me…
You know when you get the question when you go to some Mexican restaurant, corn or flour? Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Yeah, he was doing… So yeah, he was like for the whole week with that. I mean, hell, he could nibble on that thing for hours. You didn’t whip out your phone like, I’ve got to get this quick. Yeah, I did. I took my phone. I’m like, I’ve got to get a picture of this. America’s Funniest. And then I had to show and then, you know, I get the Oh, I see. Yeah. That’s all right. That’s all right. I’m in for the old folks home. Me and Bingo were driving. You’re going to be buying that kooky bird feeder that sticks to your window. I have one of those. Yeah.
It didn’t stick very well, though, so it’s like thrown in the garbage. Oh, my gosh. You know, they have one now that comes with a built-in camera. I go, oh, this has got Babelman written all over it. I would love to have that one, yeah. Oh, this is your Christmas gift. I can see it already. Catch a bird in the act of eating. Holy shit, I just saw my brother-in-law’s cock again. Holy cow. Miles is going for the camera in the birdhouse. Yeah. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. You know it. That would be like your ringtone for whenever there’s a bird in the house. That’s what it is on your phone. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. All right. Let’s see what’s going on. These cardinals are really good at it. Brown chicken, brown cow. Ah. That’s what that’s called. That’s what that’s called.
So, yeah, anyway, so I was put in my place. Maybe from this point forward, not as many stories about random animals. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m going to go get my haircut. Yeah, I’m kind of sad to hear that because my story tonight. Is it about an animal? Well, no, yes and no. Yes and no. I don’t know. I’m a little of a wild man sometimes, I suppose. I like to go to the big box store and buy man stuff. What kind of man stuff are you buying? Plumbing stuff. You’re the least handy person that I know, I think. I know. I bought a snake and I freaking destroyed it trying to clear out the drain. Within seconds, I had ruined this thing. I’m like, son of a bitch. You’re like, now I can’t take it back. Yeah, I know. I know. There’s 20 bucks ruined. Oh, my God. Were you sneaking out a drain or something? Yeah, I had a bad drain. I was trying to be all cool like you and do it, and I couldn’t. Yeah, okay. Excuse me. Getting all choked up here. I said, you know, I’m feeling a little randy. I think I’m going to pick up some bird seed. Okay.
Because I’m a wild man, as you know. I like to get perched. I mean, I don’t get it often, but it’s not a big deal. McGillicuddy. I can see you snaking the drain. That’s why you’re broken. You’re a tramp. I’m just going to be slipping this into the drain hole. Usually, these big stores, people do not really go out of their way typically to you know, Hey, how you doing buddy? You need some help or, Oh yeah. You know, not customers. Yes. And I always bitch about this, you know, my, you know, well, maybe not to you, but I’m always like, Oh boy, you know, no one talked to me. Oh, well, dreams, dreams come true. Yeah. Can this thing be used on a human? My urethra is acting up on me. And, um,
All right, so anyway, I go get the bird food, and there’s all these choices. Of course, everything’s ridiculously priced. $40 for an eight-pound bag. I’m like, Jesus, man. We’ll grow this on the moon? Jesus. Why all of a sudden do you want to feed the birds? I just sometimes feed birds because I’m a wild man. I told you, I get wild. This isn’t one of those things where you’re going to lay out in your yard naked or anything, is it? I get the welding mask and I put like the bird, you know, like the hummingbird things in my face. Okay. I didn’t know. No, I go. So I, you know, obviously I’m not going to spend 20 bucks on, you know, all this bullshit. And, uh, even that 20 for some other bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. That’s my autograph and shit. And, uh, so I’m there just, I’m barely there. I’m looking like, okay, there’s an $8 choice.
It’s got my name on it. Okay. And out of my periphery, out of my periphery, cause I have good, good periphery. I see this like 20 year old dude, like be landing towards me like quickly. Yeah. I’m like, okay, what the fuck is this? Interesting. And so he’s got the vest on. Yeah. Hey, what are you up to? What are you doing? Looking at birdseed? Was he security? That’s what I thought. No, I thought maybe he thought I was stealing something. Oh, what are you doing there, buddy? When you walked in, did you have that big a bulge in your pants? It’s my snake. Yes. Yes. And no, I really thought it was security at first. Cause it’s just like, you completely be lined up to me. Like, Oh, what are you doing? You know? And I’m like, Oh, this is going to be weird. Okay. Oh, what are you doing? Oh yeah. I’m birdseed. Oh, birds. Huh? That’s what you’re up to. Huh? Yeah. Birdseed little birdseed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, Oh, well, what about this one here? This $20 one? I’m like, what are you getting commissioned on this?
I’m like, what the fuck is this guy? Does he own the store personally? Is this Sam Walton? Jesus Christ. 20 questions about what I’m doing there, why I’m doing it. This is the one I prefer. I’m like, oh, okay. He’s a fellow birder. We’ve got the Autobahn Society showed up. Then how about poor old miles? Yeah. Poor eyesight apparently. Oh, cause I have that old book now. I look very, I look like 20 years older than I am. You know, I’m sure you poor old man, you poor old man. Yeah. I don’t know. You’re, you’re stooped over and you smell of urine. Yeah. Uh, yeah. So yeah, I’m dealing with his nitwit and I’m like, all right. Yeah. Well, I’m just going to get the cheap one, bud. Yeah. We’ll see you, huh? I’m going to get the cheap one. Did he like say, well, you know, this has got a 60% more millet. I know I was waiting for that. I’m like, oh, okay. Now he’s going to go into the hole. You know, this is why you should get the $20 bag. I’m not, I’m not doing it. Yeah. No.
We didn’t get that far. He just immediately disappears. He just got beamed up on the Enterprise or something. He’s gone. That’s what it was. Where the fuck did he go? I’m looking for a nuclear vessel. I go there and get all the crap I need. I’m like, okay, I’m going to check out. They have a do-it-yourself, but they still have people there like for whatever reason, like lounging around, you know, they bullshit with each other and, you know, right. And who, who’s up there, but Mr. Autobahn, you know, talking with the checkout girl. I’m like, Oh yeah, there you go. I’m like, I don’t want to get into another, you know, whole bird, you know, a thing with this kid again. Luckily they were just talking about the bird man right there at the bird man. He’s getting the $8 feed. Yeah. No, I didn’t even, luckily it was all like,
I was like, oh, look at my mismatched SpongeBob socks. I’m like, oh, okay. Okay, I think I’m getting this whole vibe now. This kid’s whole rap is, okay, this is all. This is one of those work programs for special kids. You know, I was thinking more and more, like every second I was close to this kid, I’m like, there’s something going on with this kid. There’s something going on with this kid. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with it. Like, Hey, are we related in some way? Yeah. I should have went off on his socks. You know, SpongeBob really, if you think about it is, uh, you know, parallels, you know, parallels the life of Christ. If you think about it, you know, I don’t know, but no, I don’t know. Yeah. The kid was weird, man. You’re going to bring Christ into SpongeBob. Okay.
I don’t know. I wanted to leave. I’m like, I just want to leave. I want to leave. I got my snake in my cheap bird seat. I’m out of here. Yeah, I’m trying to bring back our water jugs. Which drain were you snaking, can I ask? My tub. Oh. It was full of spunk. I was trying to get it unspunked. I was going to say hair, but okay. Well, hair, yeah. We’ll go with hair now. No, but I have like water jugs, you know, empty water jugs where we have a water thing at home. And, you know, the old lady’s making fun of me. You know, I could fill these up with a garden hose for cheaper. I’m like, yeah, you’re right on, Ethel. That’s good. That’s funny. I’m like, I got to get out of here. You’re going to get the cheap seed and you’re going to buy water? What’s wrong with you? Yeah.
I know, it’s like Hamble Lecter. I can tell by your empty water jugs and your deep sea that you’re not more than one generation away from poor white tracks. Exactly. I know, I just like, I gotta leave, Doctor. Do you smell of the lamb, Mr. Title? Yeah. You smell? What did he say to you? What did Mig say to you? He said he could smell my sunflower. I cannot. Nice. Oh, that’s great. So, yeah. You’re putting your place at the local Walmart, huh? Wow. Yeah, well, it was the local box store, let’s just say. Okay, well, whatever. It doesn’t really matter, but yeah. I know where you shop. It’s Walmart. Well, I go other places. You always go there. You’re there like every day. No, I don’t. I…
I go other places, too. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I go out to get lunch. Sometimes. Sometimes. At the Casey’s gas station, I pick up something from one of the spiral glass cases. Oh, yeah, I know. Actually, my friend Dirty Dominic is working there now. I’m like, oh, jeez. At Casey’s? Yeah, I’m like, oh, my semi-racist friend. I’m like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, oh, that’s great. That’s great. I’m like, oh, that’s good. Hey, you want to scratch it with that? Yeah. Hey, man, can you set me up some scratchers? Hey, you want to scratch it? Yeah. I wouldn’t even try to tune in if it’s less than $10. Just give it to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I didn’t know he was working there. I’m like, hey, Dominic. And you just, you come in and there he is. You’re like, what are you going to do? Yeah, I know. I didn’t know. I mean, he’s older than me. I just figured, you know, he’s at home retired. He’s like, oh, no. I’d love to work at Decatur. They give me a free pizza at the end of the night if there’s any left. Yeah, I know. He’s always after me. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Miles. Yeah, I know. I know.
haven’t been showing up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So did you, you were unsuccessful with the snake? Yeah. I, within seconds i had broken it. but no, you’re supposed to hook it up to your drill. You hook it up to a drill right yeah and then the far end is supposed to like twirl. Right. And, I’m doing this, and I realize, like, oh, shit, it’s twirling, like, as it’s attached to the drill. Right. Yeah. Like, the fire end is not moving at all. Like, the part that’s moving is what. Oh, okay. So within about 10 seconds, I had ruined this. Now it’s like an L shape. Like, oh, shit. Oh, no. You probably have a trap on your bathtub. So you have to get around the trap. I hired a guy and now he’s like, well, all your plumbing’s leaking though. I’m like, yeah. I wonder who did that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, genius. Tell me who’d fricking, because it wasn’t before you got here. So yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. You’re having some lakes downstairs. Like, yeah, I bet I do that. Well, it looks like somebody took a snake and he was using it wrong. Yeah.
your snake isn’t right. Your snake is all. It wasn’t a goddamn mace. It looks like a you dick if you look at it oh i’m sorry i’m not i’m only laughing at your misfortune. I know. I’m blowing all this money. But you saved on seed. Yeah.