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Miles admires his cousin’s earring, while Bob charms the local wildlife.
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Yes, he is a friend. Yeah, you know he’s been a good friend. It ain’t hard to define, just he’s got himself a girl. And she’s watching you, big guy. Yeah, I think. A little bit louder now. Bring up your mic a little. Come on, bring up the mic. Bring up my mic a little bit? Okay, now you’re talking. Yeah, put that… I got you now. No, I got you now. I’m just saying, you know. All right. I thought maybe you were switching over to… Switching to glide? Yeah. Switching to glide. Switching to glide. Hey, everyone. Miles. You’re clear. Get used to it. how’s it going, Miles? um I’m good. I’m doing well yourself no i’ve had i’ve had better days i i bet you have yeah i watched uh i watched that peewee herman uh documentary over the weekend. You see that no i’ve been what i was watching something else. What were you watching?
Uh, just the Tylenol killings. Oh, I’ve already seen that one. Yeah. Well, this is a new one. Another new one? Yeah, it came on today. Netflix. Just today? I’ll have to watch it then. Did I stutter? Yes. Today. Today? Are you sure? Any new information or is it the same stuff from before? I don’t really want to go into Okay, no problem. Yeah. Well, I love the Pee Wee documentary, by the way. I thought it was really good. Yeah, he recorded it right before he died, didn’t he, or something? He did. Literally, he recorded a bunch of stuff. I don’t want to give away any spoilers or anything. And then he stopped cooperating. And then at the last minute, he cooperated and then he died. Oh.
He recorded a bunch of stuff, and man, this was like within the last month of his life or something. He’s like, eh, maybe I don’t want to do this, and then he reconsidered, and then he passed away. Wow. That’s timing, huh? Yeah. Well, he seemed to have good timing, that Pee-Wee. Yeah, he was funny. anyway i am not here to talk about peewee herman excuse me okay or any other peewee all right we’ll zip up and let’s get going no i mean I should have, uh, I should have mentioned that I’d already done my story and then you had, you know, an animal story. And so I’m like, Oh, I got an animal story for you. Oh, that’s right. Yeah. You were holding back on me now. Well, I’d already, I’d already, you know, slung my hook. So I figured I might as well. Yeah. You know, you have last week’s animal story. And then this week I have an animal story. All right. Well, let’s hear it. So I was sent out to pick up.
some items from, uh, Sam’s club mulch. No, no mulch yet. No mulch yet. That’ll be soon but yeah you love mulch. And, uh, and so i was coming back, uh, from there and i pull into the driveway and, um, you know i’m gonna unload this hall. Cause every time you go to Sam’s, you have to bring home, you know, a bunch of stuff. It’s just like, they force you to do it at gunpoint. Literally they have somebody walking around with a gun. SS officers walking around. Exactly. $50 minimum. And I’m like, Holy shit. Holy crap. Yeah, no. So anyway, every time I go in there, I swear to God, it’s like 50 bucks. Boom. at least minimum. Right. Yeah. Trunk full of stuff. And I get out of the car and I go around, you know, pop the back. I got a hatchback that I put on and I’m, I’m grabbing something out of the back of the car to take in. And I think it was some delicious Dr. Pepper zero. And I look and I’m like, what the,
is there a giant crack in my driveway? It’s like, it’s this huge, like five foot crack in my driveway. I’m like, that wasn’t there when I left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’m racking my brain here thinking that there must’ve been an earthquake or something to put this large crack in the concrete. I believe you have a five foot long crack. Yeah, I do. I appreciate that. Thank you. And lo and behold, it’s a snake. Oh, wow. This snake was at least five feet long. Five feet long. Stretched across my driveway. Wow. Yeah. And I’m like, holy hell. Have you ever seen one that big? Yes. Actually, I’ve seen one bigger, but not on my driveway. Yeah. I was at your house and we were doing this thing called two guys are going to talk about, nevermind. So, uh, my foot snake. And I was like, Oh my gosh. So now I have to walk past it to take all this crap in. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so I’m like, Oh my gosh, you know, this,
I mean, I don’t know if this snake, I mean, obviously it’s probably not poisonous because it’s not, we don’t have a lot of poisonous snakes around here. Right. Typically, you know, poisonous snakes generally aren’t that big. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I’m like, holy moly. So I go, I take my first, I open the garage door. Hey, don’t go outside if you don’t want to see a giant snake. Right. and then everyone runs out. Yeah, everybody runs yeah Yeah, everyone runs versus snake yeah and then everybody’s yelling at me, don’t leave the garage door open it’s gonna get in the garage and i’m like no it’s not it’s not gonna get in the garage i mean this thing’s lazy. It’s just lazing out there. Somehow between when i left, which i just did the one errand, and then when i came back, he crawled out onto this, you know, I have a big
driveway. So you do. Yeah. This wasn’t like, you know, he just popped on there like in two seconds this took a little time. And so i’m trucking stuff in kind of keeping an eye on him. Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Good idea. Yelling at me not to let him into the garage and no daddies yeah exactly and they’re like, Holy moly, that’s a big effing snake. He got there and they’re taking pictures, you know? And they’re like, Kill it. I’m like, I’m not a snake killer. That’s not my style. Don’t kill it. No, they eat mice and ground squirrels. Don’t kill it. I’m like, just keep an eye on it so it doesn’t go in the garage. But, you know, I’ll, you know, I’ll try to scare it off, but I got to get all this crap in from Sam. I got to get my, my, you know, a hundred dollars Sam’s mortar in. That was first to purchase. I pulled onto the parking lot, you know, it’s like, they don’t charge for parking, but man, oh man, do they charge for, uh, everything else. So I get everything in and he’s still there. He’s making his way up to the garden. We have a front garden. Um,
don’t know what you call it. A front garden. I don’t know what you it’s flowers and things right so yeah right right yeah and so then my wife’s like, no, don’t let him go in the garden. I’m like, why? I’m like, I was going to go out there later today and weed. And I’m like, well, I don’t know what to tell you. He seems pretty, he’s heading right to the garden. I mean, it’s right there. And I think that’s where he’s headed. And so between my shuffling in and out, he did. He headed right into the garden. And she’s like, well, that fucks my day. My days. Yeah. I can’t weed in the garden now. There’s no way she regularly weed the garden this time of year. Yeah. She does do that. Right. Okay. You have poisonous snakes and, uh, and St. Louis, man. Uh, there’s a few copperhead.
Rattlesnakes, I think, are a little bit poisonous. I’m sorry. I’m just kind of catching up, man. I hear snakes as I come in the show, and I’m like, what the hell is Bob talking about, snakes? Yeah, snakes. But Miles asked me if that was the biggest one I’d seen. No. And I don’t know if I told this story or not. Maybe you tell me, Miles, if you’ve heard it before. So one time I was mowing the grass, and I have woods and whatnot. Part of the yard is woods. And I’m up by the woods mowing, and literally a snake is staring at me. I’m sitting on a lawnmower, and in the edge of the woods is a snake that is eye-to-eye with me and is all the way down onto the ground, like an S. Yeah. That thing was like a seven-foot snake because I was at least three and a half, four feet off the ground.
It’s looking at me and its body was going all the way down on the ground. Holy shit. Wow. And I, I swerved. I was like, Holy moly. And I was like, so that part of the yard didn’t get mowed that day. That reminds me of a story, man. I seen this thing on a tick tock earlier today where a dude is trying to Michael. Huh? That was pornography. Oh no, there’s no pornography. Oh, okay. Bob’s trying to derail the story. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. No, it reminds me of a story, man. You’re talking about a snake. I’m talking about a dude, man. He was trying to use the crosswalk. It was on this TikTok video. And across the crosswalk was an alligator. It was somewhere near Tampa. Yeah, yeah. And the alligator is not today, buddy. You’re not using this crosswalk.
Oh, my gosh. I couldn’t imagine having alligators just pop into your yard. Oh, gosh. Not be fun. Not be fun. Well, statistically, they say they statistically, right? I think they exist in the New York subway system. Oh, they don’t have alligators in the subway system. Do they? That’s what they said, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. Miles, have you ever heard this? I never said. alligator in the subway system. I lived in New York City before. They had movies about that. I think that was all made up. The snake threw everybody off. Everybody was off their game the day. Nobody wanted to go out in front anymore. That was the end of that for the day. You didn’t shoo him away? No, he went into the flowers and he hid underneath something and
Was he fast? No, it took him a while because he’s freaking five foot long. Later that day, I was outside doing, I cut up all the stumps and everything and I was moving stuff around and he come shooting out from the other side of the driveway at me. Then he went back in the garden. He was on the other side of the driveway away from the garden, and he came shooting out, and he went into the garden. Hey, Bob, he wants to be your friend, buddy. Oh, well, see, we have this ivy, and I swear to God, snakes live in the ivy. That and hornets, apparently. And I think he came out of the ivy, and he’s like, I think I’ll go over to the flowers for a while. I think that’s what it was about. It was just… He was bored. He was bored.
Did he love you long time? Yeah. I didn’t get that close. I don’t really, I’m not the, I’m not a snake guy. I don’t like snakes. I’ll walk around them and so forth, but I’m not going to be picking them up. I’m not like Britney Spears doing a dance or anything. Yeah. I was going to say that. Yeah. I hope you weren’t doing the weird dances that she does with knives. Oops. I did it again. I can see Bob doing a video with garden equipment. He’s got a hoe in his hand. Well, but yeah, so this snake’s got everybody. So nobody wants to weed the garden now. And so we’re kind of given a little time and then we’ll be back out there. But yeah, it was a little bit interesting. You should submit the video to the weird Aussie guy that makes the weird videos with animals. Yeah. Yeah.
I can’t remember his name. What was his name? I don’t know. But yeah, that was the big animal thing here recently. That was shocking. I have a picture somewhere, but it was… Yeah. They called me the snake. That’s right, ladies. Look at this little bugger. He’s trying to go into the guy’s garage. This crazy motherfucker. But, yeah, snake boy. I don’t know what I would be. But, yeah, it was just a little bit unnerving. A little bit unnerving. I don’t really like snakes. I think I might have hit it with my foot when I was getting out of the car. But I don’t have confirmation of that. All I remember is I hit something with my foot. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t think about it. And then I saw the snake. Were you wearing your Crocs? No. Well, I was wearing sandals because, you know, I don’t like to wear shoes. All right. Correct. I do not like to wear shoes. If I can get away with it, I’ll go barefoot, which I’m glad I wasn’t barefoot. Or I’ll wear sandals. And, yes, I don’t have Crocs anymore. I used to have Crocs, but I haven’t replaced them since the fire. Six years, I’m Croc-less. Okay. Here we go. Yeah.
Quit your whining, Tidal. You’re crockless or you’re cockless? Oh, hey now. Hey now. You’re talking about Miles Tidal there. No, crockless. I don’t have any of those stupid crock shoes anymore. Let’s go out and buy some. Well, I have been bequeathed with about 15 pair of sandals over the last… few years. I’m trying to get those worn out, to be honest with you. I probably still have at least two or three pair in the closet that have not been worn. I like sandals and then I just buy you sandals. I don’t know what’s going on. Bob, I was told if your feet are growing and you bought the wrong size mistakenly, you can actually Put it in boiling water, and it will actually decrease the size. Were you aware of that? Of your sandals? No, your Crocs. Oh, your Crocs. Yeah. What size? Size 12? I know. You’re the family of giants. Size 12 Crocs. They’re fine. I don’t know how big they make Crocs, but yeah, I think I had a size 12.
Your Lamed family are literally giants, Miles. Anything over six foot is considered a size. What size is your foot, Michael? I’m a size, it depends on the brand, but I range between a 10.5 and 11. Okay. Miles, where are you at on this? I’m a big 11. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You got big feet. I’m a big 11. I’m surprised. Usually heavyset people are like between an eight and nine. Really? Who said Miles was a heavyset person? What, are you talking about your mom? What? My mama’s in heaven. Don’t say that. Well, we don’t know that. That bitch could be in hell for all we know. I hope she’s looking down and she’s very happy with my accomplishments in life. The funny thing about Miles is he was not
everybody gets bigger as they get old. Well, most people. Not everybody. I shouldn’t say that. Some people get bigger as they get older. But Miles was not a big guy in college. He was a… I don’t know. He had a lot of gaveriches. Yeah. He bounced on his lap. It was good times. It was a good time. It was a good time. You know, Miles, my mother’s words once when she was alive, she says, you know what? You’re going to accomplish a lot in life, but don’t ever teddy something up. What’s that? What the fuck does that mean? Teddying something up means don’t fuck up. Oh, okay. Wow. Wow. Wow. Never heard that. Yeah. I thought a teddy was one of those long gray things. Yeah. Is that what she’s wearing? Don’t you wear it. Something like that. Don’t be wearing a teddy.
Don’t be wearing mommy’s teddy. I don’t know. I don’t know. Whatever they do in New York. So what’s up, Miles? Did you see any snakes? I did not see any snakes, no. I don’t know. You can come up here. You can traipse through the woods and probably see several. I was in there. What was that? I said they don’t have snakes where you’re at. They do. The post lady was telling me all about the one she saw, as a matter of fact. And you’re like, oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t zip up before I came out of the bathroom. No, I was talking to her about animals and she shared her snake story with me. I know you have a special bond with your male person. So. Male persons. Yeah. Male persons. Yeah. There’s three of them. So, uh, you know, my son had a birthday and he had some birthday cash and he started, uh, watch a bar. I, I,
I don’t know. I don’t want to say upscale store, but, you know, a store I would not go to because I don’t really buy new clothes necessarily. Tractor supply? It was not tractor supply. It was a little bit nicer than tractor supply, but yes, it was. Menards? Menards? It was a little bit nicer. It was actually a clothing store, actually. It was not actually, yeah. Do you think it was a tractor supply in Menards? Oh, I think you’re thinking of Tenton Awning, I think is what you’re thinking. Rural King? No, it’s more of a clothing store, actually. What the hell is a tractor supply? It’s a store. It’s a store. It’s like a hardware store. It’s for farmers. Yeah. You can buy all kinds of farm stuff there. Actually, I went into one about a year ago, and I swear to God, the manager was shadowing me the whole time. It was so weird. You look like a shifty…
I don’t know. I look completely out of place. Like, there’s no way this guy’s into farming. There’s no way. When I go to those places, they all look at me like I’m lost. I’m like, oh, somebody took the wrong turn off the highway. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, okay. So, anyway, he’s like, he was there. The son was buying some clothes and he’s got some kind of credit. Like you buy so much and you get some store credit and he’s working the system. He’s like, you know, Hey dad, I’m tired of your goodwill bullshit. You wear, why don’t you go buy yourself some slacks or something? You look like a punk, you know? Okay. What’s that? It’s some Sansa belt slacks or some, Hey, I go get some big boy grandimals or something. And I said, okay, I’ll go. And, uh, so I, I don’t know.
this really is kind of a fancy lad store for me. I don’t really go here. This is not really, you know, we’ll try, try on a couple of pair of pants here. Come here. Yeah. Let me measure in seam. Yeah. Yeah. Now my son did not measure my inseam. Which side, which side you, which side you go on dad. He’s like, don’t petty it up, dad. Don’t petty it up. And, uh, so I’m like, all right, so I go in and I go, you know, I’m in the changing room and I’m like, well, which one shows my ass better? This one. Oh my God. It was your ass. Well, I’m just saying, you know, it is sweet. I’m like, okay, well, you know, uh, I don’t know. I’m not crazy about either one. Right. Yeah. I walk out and he’s kind of, you know, standing there. I go, what do you think? What do you think? I’m like, ah, you know, not my style. I don’t really, you know, wear this crap. Mm-hmm.
He’s like, oh, well, okay. I don’t know if I hurt his feelings or something like that. So he’s like, well, what are we going to do with those stuff you tried on? I go, oh, there’s like a rack right here that says returns, and there’s like a bin underneath it. Yeah, just toss them in there. Yeah, I’m like, he’s like, oh, well, here’s the hangers. I hang up the hangers. So I’m like, well, fuck them. Let just someone, some jerk who works here fucking put them in there. And I toss it into the bin, and right then, a lady who works there comes walking right in between us. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. What are you doing, sir? Right on cue, I’m like, oh, fuck. I just lamented this one. Oh, shit. Fuck. They can hang these fuckers up. Oh. Let this chooch who works here, you know, freaking hang himself.
You’re such a jerk. Oh my, oh my God. Oh, and now like this lady’s like, just like magnetically, like around us or like the rest of the trip, you know? No kidding. She’s probably like, how many fricking oversized pair of pants does this fat ass going to try on? Yeah. She’s like, that’s so much more in the fucking bed. I’ll kick his ass. He’s like, I hope he wipes well. I got to pick that shit up. He’s wearing sweatpants for Christ’s sake. Yeah, I was wearing my gray sweats that you like. I knew you were. You’re such a slob. I love those gray sweatpants. The greasy stains on them. Yeah, I love wearing those. Oh, my God. They look like they were like a taco truck towel or something. Just people wiping up greasy shit all day and you’re wearing them.
don’t go away, right, Miles? I mean, you held on to these things for, what, about 11, 12 years? Yeah, I know. Some guy that was uh survived cancer like gave a bunch of like clothes to my niece she’s like, well, here, Uncle Miles, have these you know i’m like okay these are these are bit you you know like cancer clothing pants. I’m like, I’ll wear them, all right you have your cancer pants uncle yeah i’ll wear your friend’s cancer pants. i don’t care proud. I don’t care. These are nice. These are real nice. They’re comfy. Lots of room. I don’t care. You got my Bears boxers on and my cancer pants. Yeah. I rarely buy new clothes. I don’t really. Can you afford them at all? Come on. Other people buy them for me. I don’t really buy my own clothes. What’s the point? There’s no point for him buying clothes.
No, there is no point in me buying clothes. Wait, so Miles, you get all your clothes from the Goodwill? No, not necessarily. My mom buys a lot. Other people buy them for him. Other people buy them for me. Don’t you go to Walmart or Target or something? He goes to the Chess King. He’s the Chess King man. I go to Forever 21. Let’s go there. That’s a women’s clothing store. Well, yeah. What are you trying to say, Miles? Are you going to the other store? I’m going to… I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to teddy it up, you know. He’s got points at the restaurant. I’m going to… I don’t know. I can’t think of a clothing store as well. Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.
No, I know. This is weird, man. Please. Thank you. Yeah. I’ll have that. No, I don’t know. Yeah. I was very, I really wanted to leave after that. I was like, man. Yeah. You really, you know, you, you, you got this lady all pissed off at you for chucking these giant, you know, pants in there. Well, that wasn’t very surprised that they would have his size is that forever? 21. Well, that wasn’t my first up this week, though. That was like oh yeah, I was gonna say that’s probably No, it’s like No, I was like at a family gathering this weekend, just real quickly and uh i have like a pretty big family and stuff and uh my one niece has like three boys. They’re, you know i don’t know how old these kids are, but you know they’re not super old. I don’t know
Holy shit. Yeah. Oh yeah. There’s a lot of us. There’s a lot of it. And so anyway, we’re at this campfire and I thought this kid was like one of my niece’s sons. Right. And, uh, my niece is kind of a conservative person, I suppose. And, uh, which is fine. No, she’s not, you know, a nice kid and all that. But this kid has like, um, like there aren’t, but almost like diamond studs in each ear. Right. That’s nice. I thought, that’s kind of weird. I mean, I don’t care, but I don’t think my niece would probably allow that. I’m like, okay. So this kid was kind of next to me. Hey, what’s up with this? And the kid didn’t answer me. So, hey, kid. I go, what’s up with this? Hey, Barney. The kid kind of shoots me a look. And someone’s like, Uncle Miles, that’s not my son. Uh…
Oh, Oh, Oh no. You don’t even know anybody. This kid was just like, happened to be camping in the area. I’m like, Oh fuck. I thought it was one of your kids. Yeah. I was going to like razz the kid, you know, I was like, Oh shit. Yeah. You and your brother, you have no like, I thought it was one of her kids, you know, I was going to, you know, I don’t know. They all look alike. Huh? What? I said it was a lost boy from the woods. I guess. No, it was like a camping thing. I swear it was one of her kids. I was just going to razzle me a little bit. Mr. Miles, I’m looking for cashews and planters nuts. This poor kid just hanging out. He had some
There’s some guy in these greasy sweatpants who’s hassling me about my earrings. You can hassle your own relatives. He wasn’t, though. That’s the thing. He wasn’t your relative. No, I had no relation to this child. You can razz your own flesh and blood. I was just going to razz the kid. I don’t care if he’s got stud earrings or what the hell it is. I think that homeless man from Chicago is bothering me. I was going to give the kid a little bit of shit. Oh my God. Okay. Go tell your mom. My name’s Michael. Okay. If she asked mom, that guy who’s throwing all the, wearing all the pants and trying them all on at the store. That son of a bitch is camping here in his greasy sweatpants. Oh, my God. I had to wash all those clothes after he left. Oh, my gosh. That’s a horrible. Can you imagine what’s on his legs from those greasy sweatpants? It looks like he works in a lard factory for Christ’s sake. It’s been a rough week. Yeah, it’s been a rough week. Yeah, it’s been a rough week. Don’t forget about Forever 21 clothing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.