This Week

Welcome to LeMent Tonight with Bob LeMent on Plauzzable.com and his special guest, Suraj, in a unique alley cast format. After a lively introduction from Gary Lymes and some humorous banter, Suraj shares his experiences of moving from India to the U.S. and the cultural differences he’s encountered. He humorously discusses the mispronunciation of his name and the stark contrasts between American and Indian cultures, particularly regarding arranged marriages and social interactions. Suraj showcases his voice impressions of various characters, adding comedic flair to the conversation. The show also features playful segments where guests offer absurd advice on relationships and marriage, leading to entertaining exchanges. Overall, the episode blends comedy, cultural commentary, and engaging guest interactions, making for a lively and entertaining evening.

Suraj

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. From an alley near you, this is Bob Lament and my special guest, Serej, tonight. I’m going to throw it over to Gary Lime. Yes, that’s right, Serej, right there. I’m going to throw it over to Gary Lime for the intro. Gary and the Flea Towns, please take it away. All right. Thank you, Gary. That was great. It’s great to be here tonight. This is the first alley cast, as we’ll call it here. I’m in the nondescript brick wall in an alley somewhere in St. Louis. Hopefully we’ll not have any of the police show up on us and break up the party. But, you know, to keep things moving, I’m going to turn it over to Suresh.
who’s going to entertain us here. Go right ahead, Suresh. Oh, thank you so much, Bob, for having me as your first guest on AliCast. Yes, I love that name. And as my friend Dobby from Harry Potter would say… They must lament. Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. Thank you.
Or… Or as my friend Shaggy from Scooby-Doo would say, Like, like, Bob. That was a good introduction, Bob. Zoinks! Or as my friend SpongeBob would say, Bob. Oh, Bob, that was a fantastic introduction. Ah! There you go. You got some taste of some of my voice impressions. I did. Yeah, thank you. And I take your introduction any day over. Oh, he looks like he works at a 7-Eleven. No, I don’t. Or, hey, Suresh moved from India to the U.S., but after today, he’s going to be deported. No.
No, I’m not. I’m here legally. I’m a legal resident. Don’t worry. The current president of the U.S. will definitely not say, Siraj, I love Hindus, but we are deporting you back to India. India is an excellent country, but we have to deport you very soon. Okay? Okay. He’s definitely not going to say that with all the graveliness in his voice. Yeah. And the hairspray on his head, apparently, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. But, guys, it’s great news. I moved from India to the U.S., and it’s great because I get to enjoy American football, or as you guys call it, the Super Bowl. Yes. I can enjoy the Super Bowl in the U.S., but in India, all I could enjoy was a begging bowl. Is that official? Yes. If you have $5, please tip me. You can send it to at the rate AliCast on Cash App or Venmo or PayPal.
Whatever you like. But guys, I just have to say that my friends said that, Suraj, life in the U.S. will be easier for you. You get to be a part of AliCast while we can’t. No, they didn’t say that. But the point is, they said life will be easier for you. No, it’s not. It’s not, Bob or anyone watching, because everybody here mispronounces my name. Suraj. Yeah, it’s terrible. Suraj. Surage. As if I have an anger problem. Yeah. Like if you call me Surage, I will become Surage. Smash. Surage smash. Heck, the other day somebody pronounced my name as Surgery. Can you believe that? Surgery. I told him, no, it’s syringe, not surgery. Don’t complicate it. And then he was like, oh, sorry. I thought it was surgery, but okay, I’ll call you syringe. Now you know why I don’t have much hair on my head. I ripped it all off. But surgery and syringe, I told my family about it.
And you know what they said? Son, that’s the closest you’ll get to becoming a doctor. You should have studied harder. I know, right? Your dad. Yeah, it’s tough, I mean. But hey, for all the mispronunciations of my name, I can say it feels great to hear the correct pronunciation English words in the United States. Yes. It feels great to hear people say potato and not potato. It feels great to hear people say determine and not determine, which is absolutely wrong. If you say determine, you should go die in a landmine. That’s all I have to say. No, I’m just kidding. And finally, the most important part, Bob and everyone here, it feels great to hear people say dating and not arranged marriage. Oh, my goodness. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. But one thing I have to say, a couple of more things I want to say is over here in America, we refer to our uncle as
and aunts, kids as our cousins. Yes, you all know that, cousins. But in India, people tend to say cousin brother or cousin sister. Yes, they want to put a gender distinction to it. But I think that sounds pretty stupid because by this logic, am I supposed to call my uncle as cousin? Uncle Daddy? Hey, Uncle Daddy. What’s up? Yeah. Americans would be confused by my family tree if they heard that. And one thing I have to say, not just the pronunciation of my name, all American people, the mountain in Asia, in India, it’s pronounced Himalaya. Yeah. Not Himalaya. Not that ugly Himalaya. It’s Himalaya. There’s a flow. There’s a beauty to saying Himalaya. Inner peace. Om Shanti. When I hear Himalaya, that sounds like a drunken way of saying he wants to get laid. Yuck. No. Honestly, no.
Himalaya sounds like a terrible OnlyFans account. Yes. And on that, that’s been my set for tonight. Thank you, Bob, for having me. Let’s get on with the riff-raff. All right. Hey, thank you, Suresh. And I wanted to talk to
after the show about that arranged marriage. Who does the arranging? I was wondering. Who does the arranging? Yes, typically… You want an answer? Yeah, who does the arranging, honestly? Oh, in India, the arranged marriages are done by the parents, typically. Oh, okay. I didn’t know. You paid an arranger? They had the loan arranger over there who took care of things? No, no, no. It’s parents or sometimes even grandparents or that distant, nosy aunt or uncle who’s like, oh, Suraj is unmarried still? He is…
over the age of 30. What is this? And he’s having a receding hairline. Okay. Let me find a girl for him. All you need is a little spray paint there, Suresh. You’ll be all good. You can take care of that. No problem. I don’t know how you match your color, but if you go to the Krylon section of the hardware store, I’m sure they’ve got something that’s close. You said Krylon? Yeah. Yeah. Is that where people go and cry after doing a terrible spray job? They spray their heads. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Srej, thanks. We’ve got to go to a quick commercial, and we’ll be right back. This is not a real commercial, Ian, just so you know. Well, it is a real commercial, but it’s not exactly a commercial. Here we go. Yeah.
Comedy combat is here. Pablo Lewin’s roast battle. Uncensored. Unapologetic. Hilarious. Watch comedians obliterate each other with killer jokes. Stream it now on plausible.com. Search Pablo Lewin’s roast battle. You can’t handle the truth, but you’ll love the laughs. There you go. Pablo Lewin’s roast battle every week. Reg has won that a couple of times. There you go. Go Pablo. i have to mess with my optics there because they were backwards for some reason. So we’ll, we’ll deal with that. I wasn’t expected. Wasn’t expected at all. But, uh, just a second. I think gary’s got another, another song for us. Gary, is that right over there one two three four All right. That’s enough, Gary. We’re going to get hit with some kind of copyright thing if we keep going any further. All right. Now we’re at the point in our show where actually we’re going to invite our guest, Suresh, and his arranged marriage, along with his can of what I would call kind of a dark chestnut Krylon, and play a game called Ask Not. And what we’re going to try to do is get some advice from people, but we don’t want you to give the
Best advice. We want you to give the worst advice. The worst advice. Yeah. So I’ll ask a question and we’ll get the worst advice from you. So we’ll start with you, Suresh, right? So let’s just keep on the subject of arranged marriages, right? Yeah. So if you get stuck in an arranged marriage, how would you get out of it? Oh, the best way to get out or sorry, the worst way to get out of an arranged marriage is you’ve got to rub her feet. Yes, rubbing it. Keep rubbing it. Yes. Even when she wants to take a bathroom break, follow and hold on to that feet. Rub it, rub it, rub it, massage it, massage it, massage it till her feet feel numb.
And then she’s like, oh, no, I’m tired of this marriage. You’re numbing me. You’re numbing my senses. Get away from me, Suraj. I’m not really sure what the foot rubbing has got to do there. I’m trying to figure that out, honestly. Is this something that people in India not like to get their feet rubbed or what’s going on with that? Oh, people in India, they really don’t want their feet rubbed. Really? No. Instead, if you’re trying to please someone, you should just touch their feet and put your hand on your forehead. Yes. That’s considered seeking their blessings. I kid you not. No foot rubbing at all. No, no foot rubbing. That’s bizarre because I would. I mean, literally, within the last 30 minutes, I was rubbing my wife’s feet. And how did that go? Well, I’m here now. Yeah, she cast you away in the alley. Maybe there’s something to these Indian traditions that I’m not hip to, apparently. But I thought maybe it would be something good, right? Yeah.
But I gave you the worst advice. Do you want the best advice? Okay. No, I don’t. Let’s just ask not. We don’t want any good advice. Come on. I’m just ribbing you. I mean, who am I to give best advice? Well, I don’t know. Maybe best place to buy a Trump wig? Maybe. I don’t know. So how about Leanne there in the audience? Would you do an astronaut for us? Yeah. Okay. How can you be the most supportive to your partner without stifling their independence? Is this the worst answer? Yeah, the worst advice. I would tie myself to them. But facing the other way. So they don’t feel I’m breathing. Wait a minute, like back to back? Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then I can remain partially in control without really smothering them. Okay. It sounds like some kind of hostage therapy, if you ask me. Yeah, I think it’s an excellent technique. Okay, we’re going to pretend we’re hostages and we’re tied back to back.
Yeah, I did. My first two marriages were clinical trials. Wow, that’s good to know. We have Steve also here. Steve in the audience. I don’t know, Steve, are you there? Yeah, I’m listening. I got my ears on. Do you want to give us the worst advice for a question? It’s like Mr. Potato Head. The worst advice for… I’m going to ask you a question, and you’re going to give us the worst advice answer to this question. Oh, I’m good at that. Oh, okay. Well, there. You’re a natural. Steve’s a natural at this. Yeah, man. How can your relationship be a source of strength to help each other in your journey? It could be a source of strength to help destroy each other, to rip each other, to decimate each other. Oh, my gosh. How would you accomplish this? I mean…
Leanne’s got, you know, strapping herself with zip ties back to back. What’s your strategy there? Mind power or masochism. Is that your latest book? No, true story. My wife came home. She was having an affair. She told me that that night she screwed her boyfriend and I didn’t want to punch her in the face. And so I just opened up a beer, and I started punching myself in the face, and she threatened to call 911 on me. Is it a true story, Steve? Yes. That’s a horrible story. I walked around muttering. My family found out about she was having a baby because I was walking around muttering. I couldn’t control myself. I was walking around having imaginary arguments with this guy who was fucking my wife. Oh, my gosh. That sounds like a sequel to Fight Club.
Yeah, well, it sounds a bit like Yosemite Sam on the sauce. So punching your own face repeatedly, I’m assuming. Yeah, just to take away the pain. People with issues, like people cut themselves. It distracts yourself from your mental pain. Yeah, I’ve never heard of anybody being a puncher. I’ve heard of them being a cutter, a pincher. You know, other types of self-mutilation. I’ve never heard of a puncher. Maybe you’ve got a new thing. I used to beat myself up in college and I’d get drunk and I’d put on shows in my room and I’d beat the shit out of myself. My gosh, Steve. That is the worst advice, I will say. That is very, very bad advice. How do you like them apples? That’s fantastic. I cannot believe we got such horrible advice tonight from everyone.
Give yourselves a round of applause. Yay, everybody! Hit that applause button at the bottom of your screen, please, a couple times for yourselves. Can you do that? Yeah, you can do it. I can’t hit it. There we go. So, Saraj, as a child, so you were in India. You were back and forth, right? Yeah. I’ve known Suraj for all of 35 minutes. And I already know that he was living in India, in the United States, and then went to India and then lived back in the United States. Perfect. So tell us, you know, having an adolescence that’s interrupted by international travel, how did that feel? Oh, that was… That was really eye-opening, Bob, for me, because the shift from American school culture to the Indian school culture, the shift from wearing a Tasmanian devil T-shirt any day to class to wearing a plain white button-up uniform. Yes. I know, right? My Tasmanian devil shirt cried.
Missing me. Missing the warmth of my body. Did you take it with you to India or did you leave it and stay in a drawer in the United States? No, I took it with me. But the problem is over there, somebody looked at my shirt and said, ooh, nice rat. And I’m like, no, it’s not a rat. They clearly didn’t know who it was. Oh, okay. They mistook the Tasmanian devil for a set of boobs? I hope not. Was it like some kind of Bigfoot breast thing going on there? I don’t know what’s going on with that, Harry. There you go. Good one. There’s no like India. I just want to go back to America. I like that you do the arm movements because you can’t spin, so you are…
Using your arms to simulate spinning. There you go. That’s better. Yeah. Now you just look like you’re dancing in the eighties. So, so Reg, so then you came back to the United States and I believe you went to college in the United States, even though you went to high school. No, you didn’t go to college in the United States. India. Oh, I thought you came back earlier than that. So what’s the, what’s the difference in college life between, In India versus the United States. Oh. Or America. From what I know and what I have seen, I can say that in India, it’s very academic oriented, like all about marks, scoring, like top grades, everything. And you talk to your classmates. I’ll tell you, you have two kinds of classmates. Some of them who are your close friends, close buddies.
And then the ones you contact once a semester just to find out what are their marks. And then never talk to them again. Really, you compare grades. You’re like, it’s not conquest or arranged marriages. It’s what are your grades? Yes. I want to know what you got because I want to be better than you in that department. Seriously? Seriously. Yeah, I’m not kidding you. No wonder they lead the world in everything. Come on. Let’s be honest. I know. We’re dying over here from incompetence, and India leads the world. And one of my classmates, she actually noticed it. She pointed it out. She was saying, hey, you only hit me up on Facebook whenever you want to ask about my marks. My grades. And then I’m like, okay, I’ll make an effort to chat with you more. But hey, she made the move. Oh. So…
Now, did she ever ask you just about your grades or was she interested in arranging something? She was interested in roasting me and calling me a chili, a coconut head every now and then. Oh, OK. Well, now with your new hairdo, you kind of look like a coconut. So now this is something I just learned recently because my son taught me is in the United States. Uh, Indian, um, students like who come over from india to go to school here, uh, share apartments, but they’re, um, mixed, uh, so they’re both, you know, men and women share an apartment, but there’s no like boyfriend, girlfriend or anything. Or no situationships. Yeah, exactly. Nothing’s going on. It’s just there. And they’re like all live in this apartment together. Uh-huh.
Now, are you aware of this? I’m assuming you are, but is it a cultural thing or what’s the deal with that? Yeah, it’s a pretty cultural thing. I mean, of course, you have hormone-raging Indians who are keen to do such a thing when they’re here. Because back in India, you don’t have that option. It’s scandalous. You have to stay… I thought it was normal. That’s why I was asking about it. No, they’re just hormone-raging and they want to… Take advantage of being in this country. No, because my son knows quite a few Indian students and his friends. And it’s more than one apartment. I mean, it’s not like Three’s Company. It’s just one apartment. This is like Three’s Company across the whole apartment building. Oh, okay. I’m giving an old reference for Leanne because she loves it when I talk about Three’s Company. Yeah, that’s very interesting.
It’s very interesting because I’ll tell you back in India, not only is it like gender specific, like guys share rooms or apartment with other guys and girls likewise, but in some places you stay in places called hostels or PGs, paying guests. I know in America, when we say paying guests, it’s like staying with a family who will host you in a room and you can have food with them and stuff like that, use their facilities. uh, while paying rent. But in India, if you say paying guest, that’s not the same thing. It’s basically another, uh, synonym for hostile. Oh, okay. So it’s like you’re renting or whatever. You’re not, you’re not, you know, the guest part is, is just to be nice. It’s the pain part that matters. Yes. Yeah. You have to pay. We emphasize on the P not on the G. Not on the G. Now I, I,
I have another weird question for you because my son was taken to an authentic Indian restaurant recently. But it was in a strip mall and it had no signage to tell you that it was a restaurant, let alone an Indian restaurant. Leanne, this is interesting stuff. I can tell you’re perked right up. You’re like, what? That sounds very shady. Does it? No, apparently there’s multiple ones here in St. Louis. I was wondering if you’ve ever encountered that, you know, around your neck of the woods. No, I mean, in my neck of the woods, there would be a clear display or a board. But I would tell you that sometimes that display of the board is not, like, so visible. Like, you have to go close enough to the store, then you’ll be like, oh, Raja…
Raja Rani restaurant. Okay. No, no. This is literally like a doctor’s office and you just open the door and it’s a restaurant. It looks like your dentist in a strip mall and you open the door. It’s a giant restaurant like taking up three, you know. So what will you have for dinner, Mr. Bob? Chicken curry? he said it was great so i i have not been invited. So I think you have to be invited. I think it’s kind of exclusive so these restaurants you mean? Yeah, yeah. No. I think so. I think so what it’s like it’s like you have to know. Oh, wow. I thought maybe that was more widespread. That’s why i thought i’d ask you the question. But apparently, maybe it’s uh maybe it’s time you moved it moved to kansas City.
maybe it’s time not time to change, right? Yeah, St. Louis, it’s time for you to exclude it. There you go so uh siraj i mean it’s been great having you here as a guest. I want to leave uh the show tonight with uh how about two more impressions of your favorite cartoon characters? Two more impressions of my favorite cartoon characters. Okay. Let me just recall. Sometimes I blank out on the characters, but let me just see. Okay. He’s going to have to look at his old Instagram reel and remember what he did. You’re seeing my glasses, aren’t you? Yes, I am. Okay. They’re my Suresh prompter. I know. Okay. To sign off, here is my Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars. Okay. Oh, God, I’m laughing just thinking about him. Okay. Bob, thank you so much. Thank you so, so much for having me. Okay. And then, of course, my Steve Urkel. Did I? Wait.
Did I do that? They both qualify. Urkel had a cartoon. I’m wearing you down, baby. I’m wearing you down, Bob. Now, can you do Steve Urkel? Oh, Stefan Urkel. Stefan, I’m sorry. Yeah, Stefan Urkel. I don’t know. It would be something like Stefan. Stefan Urkel. My pretty love. Something along those lines. That’s very good. I put you on the spot. You pulled it out. Like he has to be like really smooth. Like Laura, Laura, my beauty. Like in that tone. And then I saw, I saw Suresh that you’re doing, you’re going to be doing a show. You want to tell everybody about that? Doing a show. I mean, I don’t, Did a show, actually. Oh, did I miss it? I saw it on the socials. I thought it was coming up. Oh, yeah. So as of now, I don’t have any shows. It’s very random and on, and I just work on my craft guys. But, yes, I recently did a couple of Indonesia-based shows, and we had folks from Indonesia, Malaysia, India, around the world who were just tuning in to watch us perform and do some stuff.
Comedy. So did you do it in english you do it in English. English? All English? In fact, it’s called coming uh which is a portmanteau or a combination of the words comedy and English. coming so yeah i that went right past me when you said it. I did not catch that at all. That must be another one of these exclusive things. I’m telling you. I know, right? Everybody watch out for Suresh. He does all kinds of impressions, and he also does shows, obviously. And what was that kooky word you just made up? Calming. In calming, yeah. It’s kind of like Esperanto, but less Canadian, more English. It’s more like, I don’t know, someone who can’t say, I’m coming, and it’s like, Coming. I don’t know like like maybe maybe that’s what jim carrey would say. I’m coming. Yeah, there you go. I’m coming. Exactly. Well, hey, does anybody in the audience have a show coming up they want to jump on, plug, say something? I’m looking at Steve. Steve is going to be punching his own face oh that’s the yuck yuck Hut. I’m going to an open mic tonight, right?
And it’s called Comedy College. Oh, really? Yeah. It’s across the street from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. They call it Comedy College, Comedy 101. Well, if I would have advice for you, I’d say find some Indian girls because they live in a crazy mixed-up apartment with all kinds of hijinks happening. There’s no Indians here in Las Vegas. I come from New York. It was saturated with Indians. There’s a shortage of Indians here. Really? Yeah, they just come here as tourists. They don’t come as tourists. The Chinese people come as tourists. I don’t know where the Indians are. Syringe is my first Indian. Good call back. Well, Leanne, you don’t want to talk about anything? No, I’m good. This one. Okay. I want to give everybody equal opportunity before we close up the show. Thanks, everybody, for being here on Plausible Tonight.
And join in the alley cast here on Lament Tonight. And we’ll try it again as we do a few more things. Gary, you want to take away with our closing song? Bob, you are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I know we love each other. Exactly. Take it away, Gary.