Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Podchaser | Podcast Index | RSS | More
Miles puts on a show while taking out the trash, while Bob soaks up the freebies at the finest hotels.
Random show from the last 25+ years
Bad AI Transcript of the show this week
You’re a quiet guy tonight there, Miles. It’s electric. It’s electric. Ah, just getting situated. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. You’re convincing there. You may want to check your underwear label. Yeah, why? Let me see. I got to see if my underwear is… It says Calvin Klein. Nope. Nope, never wore it. You probably are a Hanes man, I would guess. Hanes. I like Hanes. Wait, did you get those Hanes on you? What is the name of that? How did that go? Remember when we used to sleep together? You’re like, oh, Hanes, huh? Like, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. No, I don’t remember that. I don’t remember that at all. Remember that? Yeah, we’d have pillow fights and stuff. You’re like, oh, hey. I don’t remember that. Like, let’s wrestle. I’m like, all right. Whatever. Whatever. I’m up for it. Whatever. What the hey? I’m down. I’m DTW, man. Down to wrestle, man. What the hey? Oh, wait. I think I recall. Here’s a memory.
A little sword fighting going on. Yeah, yeah. No, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. Oh, my goodness. No, we never wrestled. We’ve never shared a bed together. We almost shared a bed together. We almost did, yeah. I dodged that bullet, thank goodness. Yeah, well, never know what you did. You and your friend just share the downstairs. I’ll sleep on the couch. My brother’s into some things. Yeah. The door that doesn’t shut, you know, just stuff like that. Yeah, stuff like that. Don’t worry about it. No lock on the door. Just big gaping holes and things. It was just a different time, you know. Yeah. It’s a community. No, we never shared a bed or wrestled. Speaking of that… Speaking of that, I only bring this up to rub it in your face, honestly. I was traveling last week and I don’t know that I’ve ever actually mentioned this to you directly, but over the last 10 years, pretty much every time that I, not every time I travel, but
a good portion of the time I travel, I’m considered a VIP. I believe it. And I get nice little trinkets and things because, you know, when I show up, people are interested that I’m there. And this last time was no exception. And I got into, I got in early so I can get in early, right? I don’t have to wait until check-in. Oh. And so I’m like, I got to the hotel and I’m like, you know, can I get in my room? I don’t push this or anything, but there are times whenever you get somewhere and you’re like, I just want to go and, you know, get in my room and get situated and unpack my stuff. Right. A little five on one. Get ready. And now, come on, I’m not you. Come on. Well, you said you’re acting like me. I mean, what’s…
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They call me the bishop Bopper. Yeah. Sorry to offend you. Sorry. Uh, so i got in early and i was in my room and, uh, there was a knock on the door. Like I was, I was there like an hour. It seemed like. Sure. Yeah. Unpack everything, hang up all my nice clothes and everything. And, Knock on the door, and I’m like, oh, I’m like, I wonder who this is, right? I’m not expecting anybody. So I go to the door, and Eb from Green Acres is there with a… If anybody remembers who that was. Eb from Green Acres is there at my door with a gift basket. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Okay. And I opened the door and he’s like, Hey, Mr. Douglas. And, uh, I go, he goes, Hey, you got a gift basket. I mean, and I’m like, Oh, thank you. And he goes, here you go. And, uh, you know, enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just tell me. And you know, I’ll send up Mr. Haney next. Yeah, exactly. So now it sounds good.
And these gift baskets are a nice touch. But I’m going to give you a little inside scoop on the hotel gift basket. Okay. Have you ever gotten a hotel gift basket, by the way? Is this from the hotel or the people you work for? No, it’s from the hotel. Is it because you’re like a frequent flyer or is it just everyone gets this? Oh, Michael’s in the Chat. He says, yes, he’s got the hotel gift basket lots of times. So here, well, Michael, then you will know the secret to this. Uh, and, uh, but so i get my hotel gift basket and i’m looking at, um, you know, I set it down and i’m like, Oh, this is uh interesting and i’m like unwrapping it
And what I typically do with my hotel gift baskets is I take what I want and then I distribute the rest of it to people I’m with because they don’t get gift baskets. So I’m rifling through this gift basket at this point. And I’m like, oh, wow, I got a whole thing of Nantucket Pepperidge Farm cookies. That’s a good one, right? Put that in the plus side. And then I got some peanuts, honey roasted and regular, right? I got a couple of things of fudge. And then I got, this is the weird one. I got a big slab of Colby Jack cheese and some crackers. Are you still with me, Miles? I don’t hear any comments from you yet. Miles is gone, so I’ll just keep talking until he comes back because I can’t hear him. And so I got this Colby Jack cheese and these crackers. What’s that? Testing. Oh, now I hear you, Miles. Yeah. Normally you make comments whenever I’m unwrapping my gift bag. No, I have been. No, I was. I didn’t realize that was that. I didn’t hear you at all. Yeah.
and call me jack cheese and the and the crackers were a weird one. And then, um, so i’m like okay i’m i’m doing a little uh parsing of, you know, one for me, you know, one for them kind of a situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but i also had a refrigerator, which is fantastic. So I stick my fudge in my uh cheese in the refrigerator but it’s like almost this kind of random items. Oh, and i got a couple waters a couple of, uh, nice Dasani, which is the, you know, ship water. Basically it’s the worst no boss no nova i had voss at the last place. I had boss and coconut water and some others. Oh wow. Right. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was, that was a little more high end so i i get everything put away and whatnot, but the reality is, is that they, they have a shop.
at the hotel. It’s a nice hotel. It has its own, you know, little mini mart, as it were and and ebb goes dancing around the mini mart probably an hour before i arrive. And he looks for things that are just about to expire. And he puts them in the gift basket. This is the reality of these gift baskets right yeah and and so if you if you get one of these, always look yeah Always look and see the expiration date. Chances are you’re getting stuff that’s about ready to expire. But they wrap it up and make it look real nice. They put a card in there. Did you get tampons or anything? No. No tampons. Although that would be useful. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because I’m typically…
I mentioned before we started recording, I never get to eat or anything. The cheese and crackers was duly appreciated because it was actually pretty good. Of course, it was one week within expiring, but it was pretty good. I enjoyed it. The weird thing is that this happens a lot. When I was in Las Vegas, I got a backpack. I got bluetooth speakers. oh shit. Yeah. I got, uh, chargers, like a fancy, uh, charger for your phone, for your watch and for your iPad. oh crap. Um, what else did i get? Oh, and then this is the, you’re gonna crack up about this. So, uh, in las Vegas, the, the, the hotel person comes up to me and like mr lament uh would you would you like uh
to enjoy a massage. Uh, yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, there we go. Yeah. There we go. There’s no, I mean, I’m always nice. Yeah. But for me, there’s no way in hell I’m getting a massage at a random, uh, you know, random hotel. I don’t care. Right. Yeah. So it’s, I’m like, no, but I’m always thinking about others because I go, but a couple of my colleagues might enjoy the massage. Oh, yeah. And then I tell them who they are, and I said, you might go ask them. And then they want to please me that they’ll go, and they got massages while they were there. Yeah. And then they come back to me and they’re like, Bob, why didn’t you get a massage? I’m like, there is no effing way in this world. I’m going to have some stranger put their fingers all over me. You would have to be roofied for this to happen or something. No way. I know you well too much that you’d be like, no way. There’s no way.
There’s no way. And then they laugh at me and make fun of me and whatnot. And they’re like, Oh, I can’t believe you wouldn’t want a massage. And then they come back the next day and they’re like, Oh, this massage was the best thing ever. And I’m like, I’m like, no, I don’t. I took the backpack. I took the Bluetooth speaker, you know, I get all kinds of like tote bags and, and, uh, umbrellas and all this kind of stuff. Right. Yeah. You’re like a robot. I can only have robot things. I do not want to see my touch. That’s right. I’m going to go to the robot pizzeria again. I love that. If you want to send me to that. Robot. The funny thing is I’m in this… I would call it a predicament. Other people would be, gosh, I know you would say, you’d take full advantage of all of this if you were in my place. I’d be like, I’m hungry. I could use room service.
You’re going to whip it? Yeah, you’re going to whip it. But I rarely take advantage other than if they give me the basket, I graciously accept the basket. But rarely do I. Because they’re always like, can we get you dinner reservations? Can we get you this? Can we get you that? Yeah, and I rarely take advantage. They want to take me to dinner. I’ve been to dinner, which is the most awkward thing. If you can only imagine how awkward the massage would be. Can you imagine going to dinner with me? Oh my Lord. Oh, like, wait, some random dude gets go to eat with you or what? Yeah. Yeah. Most of the time are women, you know, it’s with you, but yeah. Okay. All right. Well, hold on now. Let’s not judge. Okay. Okay. But what, what cracks me up is, is there always talking about it, right? So I’m there this last time I got my gift basket from Ebb and I, you know, everything. And it, it,
You know, I told you that it just comes from leftovers. And then I see them, you know, later on the next day or whatever. They’re like, Bob, did you get your gift basket? Get that nice, super nice gift. Yeah, I got the gift basket. Thank you very much. Did you sleep with my sister? Yeah. Like, make such a big deal. I’m like, you know, leftovers, basically, you know. Yeah. It’s not super special. The best thing in it was cheese, which is the only reason I got cheese is because Eb is an idiot. He just grabbed the thing with cheese. I’d probably get like, well, here’s an extra pad of paper and a pen. Yeah, they get all kinds of pens. An old Gideon Bible we were going to throw out. Yeah. An old phone book from 1974. We didn’t know if you wanted that. Yeah.
I was in Las Vegas for a thing, and the Las Vegas ones would be a whole box of stuff. I mean, I got all kinds of stuff from them. I gave a lot of it to my kids. I mean, how would you even accept the thing of like, well, this woman will go out to eat with you? Well, it’s more like this. They’ll go like, hey, do you got any dinner? I mean, it’s like getting asked out on a date, but you know it’s not a date. No, but still, I mean… A lot of wives out there would not be real chill with that. Like, oh, hmm. I don’t think my wife has anything to worry about. Yeah. I can’t get a massage, for Christ’s sake. What am I going to do at dinner? Yeah, but you’re always like Mr. Witty and cute, though. You’d always be like, let me show you some magic tricks at the table. Right. Mouse goes in the hole. So, yeah, but I usually…
drag along other people with me if I go to dinner. So I’ve gone and I’m like, okay, it depends on my mood. It’ll be like, oh, we have reservations down at the, you know, the greatest restaurant in the world. I’ll be like, is it okay if I bring my crew with me? And then they’re like, how many people are we talking? And I go, just three people, just three people. And then they go, oh, okay. And so then, yeah, we all went to… The funniest thing was last time I was there, it was last year, we went to this very high-end restaurant. And I went and I took everybody with me. And I had to actually be someplace else. And literally, I got a glass of water. Everybody ordered. It got to me. I said, I got to go. And I left. Oh, my God.
Batman or something? No, I said, I have to be someplace. It took a little longer than I thought. Then I have to take off. I don’t know that they really appreciated me. I didn’t even get any dinner. Everybody else got a really nice dinner. I think they appreciated that. That was free dinner. It was supposed to be yours. Yeah, because I was… the system a little bit there. I didn’t know if you’d… I knew that this would infuriate you. I thought it would infuriate you more than it has. No, I love free stuff. Oh, I know, but I’m getting free stuff, not you. You’re not getting free stuff. I’m getting free stuff. Which makes you angry. No, I mean, if you’d been like, I got a big salami or something, I’d be like, well, maybe. No, I got steak dinners, stuff like that. Well, I’m a little bit jealous, but I mean, I’m glad for you. I mean, no, I didn’t know this was possible. Where is the Miles title I know and love who has been incredulous at the fact that I got anything? Why in the world would anyone give you something? Yeah.
I figure you probably like earn like more, you know, like you’re in so many motels, you have to earn like some kind of perks or something. Right. I do, but, uh, I actually don’t even exploit that that much, to be honest with you. I do have do the perks for certain ones, but, um, But no, this is beyond that. This is like private perks kind of situation. I mean, the ebb thing, not so much. But yeah, the other one. I got you a big chunk of salami here in this gift basket. Well, hold on. I went over to the bakery farm. I went down to the Frederick’s and I got you a dick insert. So when you’re down at the pool, you look like you got a big one.
Well, that’s above and beyond, Deb. I’ll give you that. Thanks, Deb. You got me pegged. I mean, I’m more jealous of the Vegas thing, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah, the Vegas one was over. That’s been one of the ones that was kind of the craziest. But I’ve gotten other stuff. I mean, to have an escort to go out to dinner with, yeah, okay, I’m down with that. Usually you get a dinner out of Vegas. or a lunch out of somebody. Let me just turn off the phone here. We’ll go out to dinner here i don’t want to, I really don’t like to do all that stuff. My, my boss who I, you know, was an underling for many many years he would he was like you, he’d just be like, right. I’m a piece of bread and this is gravy and i’m digging in you know what i mean i would definitely 100 like yeah you know what you know
Oh, I could use it to go bag with another sandwich. Yes. See, I think I would be like you. If I couldn’t use it, I’d be like, hey, I’ll pass this along to Roberta or something. Right, exactly. I’ll give it to her. Yeah, I do that a lot. I really don’t want a lot of this stuff most of the time, but some of it I turn down flat out, and some of it I just take it. to be gracious and then give it away to other people. I’d probably get like a lot of from the lost and found or something. Well, here’s a waft beater and some old gym shorts wow yeah you gotta quit making the gift baskets so nasty. Yeah. Oh, I got free hotel nights, you know, stuff like that. On the band-aid it was open. We don’t know if anyone used it, but
are you going to have anybody special in your room with you? No, you can’t. No, it’s just kind of a weird, uh, yeah, I’ve never really talked about this. Uh, and it’s been quite a while now, but I thought after this run that I recently had, I was like, Oh, I got so much shit, you know? Yeah. It was incredible that, the amount of stuff that I accumulated on these, these trips over this last few months. No, I just, I didn’t know this was happening. Well, yeah, I never talk about it, but I thought, you know, cause the guy at the door was just such a goofball. I thought, Oh, this is funny. He’s the perfect guy for it then. Yeah. Now do you, have you thought of, do you have a story for tonight? If not, yes. You triggered my,
Yes, you know, I can remember this all mopey, and you’re like, oh, okay, well, you’ll think of something stupid. I wish that I got a free massage. I’ll take anything. I would just like for someone to rub up against me in a tight hallway. I don’t care. Don’t matter. Anonymous. No, you said wife beater. That’s what triggered my memory. Oh, yeah, well, that’s… That in your restraining order. Yes. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I know there’s certain, you know, yard duties and stuff you do at home. And, uh, I assume, and, uh, you’re more of the yard guy than anyone else in your family. It sounds like the wife probably handles the inside duties and you kind of do that. So, uh, taking out the garbage, taking out the garbage, taking the garbage out of the curb. Right.
That’s the man’s duty. I got to do that this week. Yeah, but you do it pretty regularly, right? Yeah, if I’m here, that’s what I do. On a somewhat regular basis, and I do too. Tomorrow, for instance, is garbage day, and I guarantee all the neighbors have all their stuff out already anticipating this magical event that happens once. Right, well, because you don’t want to miss it because then you’re stuck with all the garbage for another week. And I always like to wait to the last possible minute to do it. And so like last week, I’m like, I got to get that out because there’s so much that’s going to be here in about less than half an hour. I know that. Oh my God. Half an hour. You still haven’t got your garbage out? No, no. I’m afraid like bums are going to go through it and stuff. Be like, Oh, in their right mind would rifle through your garbage. I don’t know. Some hobos or something. I don’t know. I’ll be like, you live at the,
Downtown Philadelphia or something? Jesus Christ. There’s not a bum for miles around your place. I live in East St. Louis, so laugh all you want. There’s no bums there either. They get killed. No, I don’t know. I love bums. You know that. I go, shit, I got to get that out. I just woke up. I’m like, man, I slept in my wife beater. I like to wear my wife beaters a lot. I just… I’m actually wearing one right now. I mean, you literally got like a C cup going on. How can a wife beater give you any kind of support? I look like Cindy Crawford, like in a Pepsi commercial walking around. Yeah. I don’t know about the Cindy Crawford part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I, okay. I’m like, I gotta get out there, man. Like no, one’s going to be out there. So, you know, hopefully not, you know,
And so I, like, slip on, like, my work shoes, you know, which, you know, are kind of dark colors. I’m wearing my Bears PJs bottoms as I like to wear, you know. Right, yeah. Do they fit? For the most part, yes. Are they saggy or are they super tight? Because the only clothes you have are either saggy or super tight. No, they’re saggy, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, very sick so your pants are falling down as you’re walking out with a girl Yeah, I have to kind of like one use one hand like to take like the barrel and the other hand is like holding up my pants. Right, right. And so you can map so i got this cute ensemble going on, you know, right? So I got a white beater, pajamas, dark shoes on, I’m ready to go. You know, and i go outside and i go, oh man, this thing’s heavy black coat black hat cadillac something yeah right just like that
And I’m like struggling, you know, cause I’m one handed and I’m like, oh shit, this thing’s heavy. I would say you do most things with one hand. Let’s be honest. Uh, well, pretty much, pretty much. And, uh, I, man, I was like, I was struggling. I’m going to be honest with you. I was struggling a little bit. It was heavy. Like a lot of garbage in here. I’m like, you know, I’m trying to get it going and I finally get it going and I look out and my neighbor Miyagi is out. Oh. And he has the most disturbing smile on his face watching me. Oh, you missed it. And he’s gloating. No, no, no. He’s not gloating. He’s just like a crazy-ass smile with the mouth slightly open and the eyes kind of wide. I don’t know if he thinks this is funny or a turn-on or what. Oh, you and your…
I don’t know. I was so weirded out. I mean, it was just like, you know, like you ever feel like someone’s watching you and you look up and turn off, you know, it’s like, oh, okay. Well, you go, all of a sudden you hear, I believe in miracles. Where are you from? You sexy thing, you sexy thing, you. And I raped, I think, by Miyagi here. I’m like, what the fuck? It’s so weird. I’m like, I didn’t even want to take it out to the curb. I’m like, you know what? I mean, I’ll just come back later. You know, that’s exactly what it felt like. I felt like some woman walking past a construction zone. I’m like, oh, boy. How did you know I needed you? Yeah, I know. I was like, okay, listen. Yeah, so then did you cinch up your bathrobe? I cinched up my cheeks. I’m like, no way. Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe Miyagi’s like, boobs, boobs, what’s the difference? Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sure he thought it was funny. I’m just going to go with that. Side boob going on. Yeah. I just thought that was very personal. The only difference between you and my wife is the hairy nipples. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. She can’t even help that, damn it. But, yeah. Did you flash him, or No, I just turned away, like, you know, I thought, like, we would break eye contact at some point and like no like like no he’s got a detractor beam on, you know like he’s like all those bears jerseys were these two, you know, massive twins yeah Like your pregnancy. Yeah. Yeah. Like you couldn’t even, I mean, yeah. How do you even get that? I mean, you like, you lift your arms. So there’s no, you’re underneath. Just one look. He thought you were transitioning. He’s like, I don’t know what he thought. I just, I just wanted to go. I was like,
But I’m going to go out at night. Like, after this is done, I swear to God, I’m going out and doing dark outs. I switched up my house coat. Yeah. I only wish I was wearing a house coat. Believe me. I just, yeah. Where did you come from, baby? How nice. Well, Mr. Miyagi, he’s a good guy. He’s, you know, maybe he was just trying to figure it all out, you know? It’s like whenever you see something that you don’t understand, you just gotta stare at it until you figure it out. He’s from a different culture. We can’t judge. I don’t know. That’s true. He kept saying, lady boy, lady boy. I go, I don’t know what that means, but man. Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure what you’re getting at there, Miyagi. I don’t know. Hey, my eyes are up here. Yeah, I know. That’s what I felt like. Excuse me.
He’s like, oh, is it cold out? It’s freaking me out, man. Just please break the eye contact. Please break the eye contact. Please stop. Yeah. Well, that’s interesting. Well, apparently you didn’t realize it, but you’re his type. I guess. I don’t know. I was like, what the fuck? Nothing like fat Polish women walking out the garbage. I guess. So you guys going to go out to dinner? Uh, yeah, no, we did. He kept the whole time. He’s like, Hey cutie. All right. One dinner, one free massage and that’s it, man. But I have my own hotel. Oh baby, give me one more chance. Yeah. So bizarre. The whole thing. Very bizarre. EPC. come on come on come on let me tell you what it’s all about