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Bob gets things done the hard way, while Miles provides insight into his family relations.
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Can you hear it no, but I can see a picture Yeah Uh-huh. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Snake Show. This is Bob. It’s backwards. Here you go. How about that? How about that? How about that? It’s backwards. You couldn’t hear it, though, huh? No. Well, I’ve got to work on that, I guess. Yeah. Oh, well. We’ll be fine. Yes. It’ll all be. It’s all right. You’re going to take the next part here, Traveling Wilbury guy? Even when push comes to shove. Oh, wow. That’s very Orbiston-like. Wow. I’m impressed. I’m impressed. It’s all right. No, I used to listen to that album a lot. We ran the monkey man. We’re hot up for cash. This man stayed up all night smoking cocaine and hash. I don’t know. Fuck. I don’t know. Fuck it. Fuck it. One Dylan, one electric. I lost interest. I feel more like.
I opened the closet and what did I see? Me, I eat dust. I’ve been listening to a lot of Gary Newman lately. I’ve been listening to me a lot. That’s interesting. I don’t know the words. Something I don’t want to fade away. But I don’t want to fade, I love. Yeah, okay. That’s all made me. So, this weekend, I was Mr. Handyman. Mr. Handyman. Mr. Handyman. You were so handy. I’m handy. Yeah. Not handsy. Handy. I bet you a handsy. Yeah, I went and got a stump grinder. I was the name of this girl in college. I knew stump grinder. Worked at the local bar. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about here? Yeah, it’s a thing. It takes care of your stumps. Yeah, it rips up your stumps.
Yeah, well, yeah, I know that. What the fuck? Big apparatus that you, it’s got like tank treads and like a big buzzsaw looking thing at the end of it. And you, it’s got hydraulics and you basically grind away a stump. If you want to talk about bush hogging next, I’m all for it. That’ll be another story for another day. Okay. So you’re grinding your stump. Yeah. So I’m like, I’m not a handy person. I’ll be honest. You are. No, I’m not. It always scares me. And my wife is like, you know, these stumps have got to go. My wife talks like Christopher Walken. These stumps have got to go. I don’t remember your wife talking like Christopher Walken. Bob, go get the stump grinded.
First of all, I hear no cursing in it, so I know it’s not your wife. That’s true. Because your wife really curses a lot. She curses more than Christopher Walken. She does. That’s something to be of note there. Yes. Yeah. She is the uber mob boss Christopher Walken cursor. Yeah. So I’ve tried to do this now for a year and a half. I’m afraid of this thing. I’m… worried that i’m going to, you know, like take off my foot or something. Yeah. because this is a monster. I mean, this thing rips through trees yeah the trees um and so i finally, the other thing is you have to, you can rent it for the day at the rental place that’s close by me. Yeah. But if you can get in the sweet spot, you can rent it for the weekend special.
which means you pick it up on saturday afternoon. You don’t have to bring it back till monday morning. Oh, that’s what you want. That’s what i want right because yeah you know, they want to make money and they’re not open on Sunday. Right. And, you know, and so like, I’ve been trying to get this weekend special for a while and i keep missing. And then a couple of times i got the weekend special and then it’s like, it’s gonna rain cats and dogs all weekend. I’m not going to stand out in the fucking rain with this leg mauler machine and slip underneath it and then get chewed up. I canceled, but then I had it set up for this weekend. Now I have to get it here. This thing is a monster. It literally is like…
some kind of, you know, Shriner monstrosity, tears of stumps. And so then my wife’s got to take the car, which we have a tow hitch on the minivan and she has to take the car. And I’m like, I can’t, I’ve got the weekend special. Right. But honey, I’m like, I got, but she had to take the car. So I’m like, she’s like, just cancel the, I’m like, I know, but you’ve been, you know, hounding me for a year and a half to do this. And I got the weekend special and, you know, she’s like, whatever, you know, you never get anything done. I might as well call you miles title. That fucking miles. I would have dug it out. Less done than him. Yeah. So I call up my buddy.
And I’m like, dude, can you help me out? I can get the stump grinder back if you can get it to my house on Saturday. Yeah. And so he’s like, that’s not, that sounds more like me. That’s more like me. Yeah. He’s really, you know, thinking about this, you know, the time commitment. Yeah. And he’s the funny thing. A lot of my friends are just like you. in a lot of ways. Yeah. They’re always horribly inconvenienced when I’m talking to them about something. Right. And even though it’s not inconvenient, they’re just being selfish. Yeah. That’s me. Yeah, exactly. And so he, and I finally go, I’m like, I can, if you can get it here, I’ll buy you, you know, buy a couple of lunches or something. I’ll take it back. You just have to drop it off. He’s like, okay, well I’m going to be, you know, North of you on Saturday. Yeah.
you know, pissing around or whatever the hell he’s doing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I’ll come down and I’ll pick it up and I’ll drop it off your house. Cause that’s, he lives South of me. And so then I’m like, okay, sounds good. Meet me at this place at three o’clock. Right. I’ll be there early. I’ll get all the paperwork done. All you gotta do is, you know, swing in. We’ll throw this fucker on the back of your truck and get going. So I get there, I get all the paperwork done. He’s not there. Uh-oh. I paid. He texted me finally. I’m on my way. I’m late. Okay. Oh, this is me. That is you, yeah. I like this guy. He’s just like me. He is me. Yeah, well, there’s a lot of other attributes that you would associate with that he has as well. Browser history.
Yes. Browser history. So then I’m, I am stuck there talking to the yard guy, you know, the guy that manages the yard of all the rentals. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of this, you know, kind of this guy, you know, he’s not, you know, yeah, he’s not doing any calculus or anything, but that way. Yeah. I got it. So then I, I’m like, I’m compelled to entertain this guy for about 20 minutes. Got your nose. Got your nose. No, I’m like, I’m standing there out in the yard and I’m like, give me the once over on this here machine. I’m trying to think of things for him to do to kill time as I’m waiting for my friend to show up late. And then he just
Rips through them. Well, you just pull the choke here, turn this key here. This makes you go forward. This makes you go backwards. This makes you, this makes that thing spin. Move it side to side. You’re all good. Boom. Howard. Yeah, exactly. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Now I’m like, I’m like, okay. And then now I’m like, well, how much gas does this take? Oh, Christ. I feel like, I feel like I got to engage this guy. Well, we’re waiting because I feel bad because the timing is so off. You know what I mean? How did you propose to your wife? Are you married? You have nothing to talk about. And he’s like, oh, it’s like six gallons. How much does he use? Oh, the last guy used about three gallons in it. I don’t know what he did. And then he’s looking at it. He’s like, it looks like he just dug in the mud. It’s all muddy.
It’s not even cleaned up. It’s all filthy dirty. It wasn’t filthy, but it had some mud caked on it. And then I’m just like… So then I just walked around the yard with him talking about all the implements. What does this do? Well, I’m going to tell you all about it. I have this weird feeling this guy thought I was coming on to him at one point. So… Hey, where’d you buy those jeans? He’s like, why is this guy hanging out back here with me, asking me, that bobcat, what’s on the front of that bobcat? And I did ask him if he had a brush hog, and he went and showed me, oh, it’s back here in this uh container you want to see my hog? And then, of course, I said, how do you work that? And then, how much gas is that? Oh, my God, yeah, for sure. I would think, like, this guy’s into me. Holy cow.
I was like, I felt so terrible. Poor guy. I’m like, I, I, I was trying to think, what can I talk to him about? Yeah. You know, cause it’s like, he’s just sitting there with me. What was the name of your first dog? Yeah. He’s on his way. He’s on his way. Oh my God. What’s your favorite color? Then. So I get, my friend finally arrives and we’re, trying to hook him up. And now I got another guy who comes out to help who is the smarter, slightly smarter guy. And then my friend’s ball hitch or whatever, it does not want to go on there even though it’s smart. So then we’re beating on this thing with a hammer. I know I’m going to hear about this because we’re beating it with a hammer to get everything to go on and everything. Oh my gosh. I’m like…
i can’t, I mean, I don’t, these predicaments, I’m not built for going out in the public and engaging with, you know people right yeah i’m gonna say you really on a regular basis here, you know you had to be out of your element on this one, you’re like oh yeah and then, you know, I feel like i have to, you know, I was gonna you know, read his palm yeah i don’t know what i was gonna do i you know I’ll tell you how to drive a stick shift. I can teach you. Rock, paper, scissors. Come on. Yeah. I’m just like trying to think of all these. And then my, you know, it all, it all worked out. My friend hooked up and, and he brought it home and I actually didn’t hurt myself, which was amazing because then I bring it home and immediately I start using it because I’ve got weekend special, but you know, I got to get to,
work. Yeah, get it going. I’m digging shit up. This thing, if you’ve never used one and you have something to dig up, it works like a fucking dream. This is a monster that you can unleash in your yard to get rid of stumps. Yeah. You didn’t tell me not to lean out from the side because I must have got hit in the face At least a dozen times with big chunks of wood. Really hard. Like, to leave a welt, you know what I mean? Yeah. You got the face of wood, huh? Yeah. Thankfully, I had, like, safety goggles on, you know? Yeah. And a hat. But, I mean, this thing would fling. It’s like 100 miles an hour. It’s like a freaking batting cage flinging wood.
pieces at your face or your body. I got hit in the nuts. I got hit in the leg. Oh God. Yeah. And then, and then on, I’d like, I’m just standing behind it. And so it’s less likely to hit me. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn that lesson for a little bit. So yeah, then, um, so I get some work done and then I actually got a lot of work done. This thing is like amazingly quick in what it does. Um, and it was getting late. And so I, put it away. And I went inside and, you know, I told my wife, I’m like, Hey, I got like, you know, three quarters of what we wanted to do done tonight. Right. And she’s like, Oh, that’s great. You know, she’s like, who cares? It’s not done. Done. Come with me. Go come get me when you’re done. You know, what do you want? Fucking metal. No, let me kiss your ass. Yeah. What is this? Participation trophy.
And so then the next day, I’m like, okay, I’m going to finish up. And this is the biggest, like I did everything else, the smaller stuff. And this is like this monster stump in our yard. And it’s been there the whole time we’ve lived here. And it’s like not a small, like at the ground kind of stump. This thing is like foot high or something. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I’m like grinding the shit out of this thing all the way into the ground. And I go, I get ready to go out to do that, you know, and my wife’s like, are you going to be okay? You know, I’m really tired. This thing shakes you. I mean, it shakes you to the core, all this. You have to hold onto these buttons or else it doesn’t spin. And this machine just shakes the shit out of you. Your boobs, your boobs must’ve been jiggling. Yeah. Watch it. So, uh,
Cool and fruity. So I’m like, she’s like, well, do you want me to come out and help you? No, no. I go, well, just check on me. You want me to come out and yell at you? Yeah. Yeah. If you want. Yeah. You want me to hold up your panties? Yeah. So I’m like, no, but just check on me because I mean, I’m really worn out from yesterday doing all this. And now I’m going to go into it again here. I mean, you’re so old. Jesus. Yeah, I know. And I’m old and everything. And so, yeah. You’re like 75 years old or something. Yeah, exactly. That’s what I feel like most days. So then I am working on it, working on it. She never comes out. And I never see her because I’m kind of focused. I don’t want to get hit in the face anymore. So I’m kind of paying attention to what I’m doing.
She’s waving through the window. Hi. No, no, no. So I come in and I’m like, you never checked on me. I could be dead out there, you know? Oh. She’s like, oh, no. And then she’s like got the window open. I was watching you. Yeah. It was like a 70s mom with the kitchen, you know, at the dishes, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I’m watching you. No, you would have died out there. Yeah. Yeah. yeah so anyway I finally got it all done and I’m like look I got it all you know I’m like a kid look I got it all done look at that yeah about fucking time year and a half I’m a big kid now yeah so anyway now she was somewhat grateful but not as grateful as I wanted her to be not over the top like oh my god no no yeah no coming outside to bring me lemonade wipe off my sweaty head you’re my big man working
Yeah, none of that. I fixed my own lunch. Hey, the yard guy called, said he’s open for lunch. He says you two really hit it off, I guess, or something. Yeah, the rental guy. Yeah, we’re going to go get a frosty one. I’m going to go share an orange. Yeah, share an orange. So, yeah, that was my… jump grinding experience over the weekend. I took it back this morning. I will. Have you ever driven with a trailer on the back of a vehicle? No, never happened. It is the scariest fucking thing in the world. I was driving. I didn’t, I hooked it all up. It’s, it’s rated to do this. It’s not like I’m, you know, testing the limits of anything. Um, and we have all of the proper wiring and, and gear and everything for this, but it made me,
the worst noises as I was going, I didn’t even get over 25 miles an hour. Yeah. Cause this thing was lurching and squeaking and, and it felt like it was keeping me from going forward half the time. Like it was dragging a screaming child through Walmart. I, I’m like, I got it. My wife texts me, you get a retiring cause you had to go do something. And I’m like, Yes, but I don’t ever want to really do this anymore. I don’t want to drive the trailer. Are you there yet? Yeah. What are you doing, you lazy bastard? I just left five minutes ago. How the fuck can I be? It took me forever. About 10 or 15 minutes to get this place. It probably took me at least 35 minutes. And everybody was passing me and flipping me off. It was a whole thing. I’m on I-55, man. Come on. Give me a break. Nah, I was all back roads. It was an hour the whole way. Oh, geez.
Yeah. It’s like you ruin it for everyone else. I know. I’m like farm implement for Christ’s sake. Yeah. So what’s going on with you? Anything? Oh, yeah. I’m a man of sorts. Yeah. Yeah, you’re a man. Yeah. Yep. You’re a man. You’re a man. I had a… Spell M A N go ahead i went to the suburbs, went to the suburbs this weekend, and it was sunshine it was a surprise birthday party for my nephew, so we went there. Is this the one that you were supposed to play enforcer with? No, this is actually my blood nephew. This is not my nephew not your nephew-in-law or whatever. This is the one where when he was little, he knew like World of Porn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This kid, you talk about growing up in the internet age. Yeah. That kid did. Yeah. And I had nothing to do with that either. So if anyone’s thinking that. No, I know. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Show your uncle what you’re looking at or tell me how to do this.
No, I didn’t have a computer. The kid had a computer before I did. That’s what I’m saying. You were like, let me look first to make sure it’s okay. What’s this magical box? What is it? Yeah, you’re like, Pam Anderson, Tommy Lee. I got to see that. Show me that, kid. Play that again. You shouldn’t be looking at this stuff. That’s a gif. And… anyways it was a nice little family reunion there. Is he, uh, I guess he’s not in prison or anything. No. Oh, good. No. Wasn’t sure. Just checking. Um, and like, you know uh i had a one of my sisters was there. I love that rock. Yeah. And, uh, of course my, your favorite, my brother was there Oh, the one who doesn’t know who he’s related to. Yes. Yeah. And he had this joke that he, I don’t know why he’s obsessed with this joke. You know, Hey, do you blow bubbles? Oh, you do? Well, bubbles just called. He’s downstairs. That sounds like a joke you would tell. Well, yeah. Once.
Once. Okay. Yeah. This is like the whole weekend i’m like, I knew he was just gonna tell it the whole week. And I’m like, I actually bought him like those little thing of bubbles, like little, you know. Oh yeah. I go here, knock yourself out. because I know you love this joke and you can go up to people. Yeah. You blow bubbles. Yeah. I mean, when you’re done with the adults, go up to kids and tell that joke. I don’t know. Hey, that’s your magic wand. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he just, he ran with it. Like, okay. Yeah. I unleashed him. Miles. You are my brother. We are from the same loins. Yeah, I think. Well, you were kind of late, so. I mean, I definitely look like my family, but he doesn’t. I’m just saying, okay. Okay. I’m just saying, I don’t think. Does he look like maybe a family friend, perhaps? I don’t know. Well, he is. Well, it was speculated because he coincidentally has the name of a family friend. Oh, really? Which is also my grandpa’s name.
uh, was his name Bastard? Bastard. My name is Leroy Bastard. Village. Yeah. We call him Village. No. So, yeah. So yeah, the whole week. And, uh, my sister was there and I, uh, you know, she was, uh, sitting with her kids and she’s got a lot of gingers, you know, her family, you know? Yeah. Oh, really? And, uh, that’s a weird, uh, and like, uh, Yeah, so my brother’s, like, granddaughter comes up. She’s like, oh, those kids are making fun of me. I go, just call them a bunch of gingers. And I go over there and just tell them. These are grown-ass adults, you know. So she goes over there and tells them. All of a sudden, I’ve got, like, my sister shooting me, like, the dirtiest look. Like, you fucker. You ginger. Ginger bastard. Yeah, they’re, like, all of them are looking at me, like, shooting me a look, like.
wow that’s really pretty low. That’s pretty low man his daughter like said just like himself, never let it go. Yeah. no it’s his little granddaughter. And then, uh, what else is this the highlights of the week. I won’t go the whole weekend, but, uh, I’m talking about my sister and she’s like, yeah, mom, you know, wasn’t feeling good. So she didn’t come. I said, okay, that’s fine. But I guess at one point she, uh, Was with another sister of mine, the one with the stolen handicap placard. Oh gosh. Yes. My mom was complaining of like a sore jaw, kind of like rubbing her jaw. It’s like, Oh, so my sister who loves Iraq, she’s like, well, you know what causes that mom? Uh, too much oral sex. You’re making fun of your mother’s TMJ and telling her she’s given too many blowjobs.
No, not me. My sister said this. Not me. I would never in a million years make this joke. Miles, you’re crazy. No, no, no. You got to know the people I live with, man. How do you think I got this way? I didn’t wake up one day crazy. I just thought that was like the dirtiest joke. I guess they both just laughed their asses off. My mom was all like, that’s not funny. Oh my God. I was trying to laugh about mom and oral sex. Yeah. Making oral sex jokes. Yeah. About my mom. 90 year old woman. Holy moly. Yeah. I’m like, oh my, really? Wow. Wow. I’m like, you didn’t do that. Yes, I did. I’m like, God, that’s so horrible. Here’s some dental dams. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It was horrible.
That’s a lovely family reunion you got there. And let me see here. You’re all ginger whores. So obviously we were blowing bubbles. We’re making fun of gingers. What else here? Oral sex jokes. And then the last part of the story was we’d kind of gathered in a hotel and And one of the gingers wanted to go out to eat with his family. He’s like, well, hey, Uncle Miles, you can come along if you want. Are you buying? No, I knew he wasn’t buying. He’s got a ton of kids. Oh, okay. Yeah, well, apparently he’s keeping it out of somebody’s mouth. Yeah. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. He is. And he goes, well, we’ll go to the next place. She walks funny. Mm-hmm.
arm hair. He goes, we’ll go to this Mexican place next door. I’m like, oh, okay. Did it look like a Chili’s? No. No, no, no. The whole staff is wearing suits and these little black cocktail dresses. I’m like, uh-oh. I’m like… yeah yeah i’m like we are way underdressed for this place. I can see it all right like this is not an uncle miles’s budget, I can tell you already. Oh, man. Uncle Miles is buying. no we’re like this you know so we’re like, let’s keep walking to the cheapest part of town. Oh, okay. Let’s go over to that taco truck. Yeah, right. Let’s go at least where, you know, the food starts at 12 bucks you know, instead of yeah really 25 and uh we kind of made
went to like his burger joint or something, but it was a little bit upscale, but you know, and it was busy. And so there’s like, it was right. We’re shaking shake. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, no, there’s about eight of us sitting around the table. They’re busy. And, uh, we had a good time and my brother shows up late and he’s got a couple of little granddaughters there. He had to sit like on the other side of the room. Cause there was like no room. And he was cool with his odds. All right. Don’t worry about it. And, uh Yeah, we don’t want to hear your bubbles joke anymore buddy yeah he bubbles you sit over there. And, uh, so anyway, we were done way before he was, obviously, but i go, I said to my ginger hey ginger come here let’s let’s pay for the bill, but then let’s gather up, like, the customer copies of the bill and put it in the portfolio and have the waitress bring it over to him and
And tell him that we’re going to, he is to pay for ours. Yeah. We’re leaving. Yeah. And at first the waitress is like, well, I don’t know. Bubbles over there. He’s making that joke about bubbles and stuff. But she’s, she brings it over there and I could see him looking like very seriously at her. Like, like what the F are you telling me? You know what? Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, very, very concerned. This greasy burger place. Yeah. Very concerned. Cause we just stuck them with, I don’t know how much money it’d been, but probably, you know, we all got shakes. And he looks over at us and then we start waving and laughing like, thank you. Thank you. He’s like, then he picks up like, Oh, you see. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then he died and dashed. Yeah. Yeah. No, that was funny. Cause it’s the look on his face was like,
I was like, shit, we really should have done it. Now that I think about it, we really should have done it. We should have just snuck out and been like, here you go. You’re nice. You’d be like, hey, man, that’s not cool, man. Hey. Hey. That’s my bingo money. Get your hands off of bubbles. I got these books. Yeah, so just a kooky weekend. Yes, a kooky, kooky weekend. Very kooky. Very kooky, yes. Yeah, you were traumatizing your siblings and they were traumatizing you. More so the other way, yeah. And I was traumatizing nature. Okay. Okay.